


Anyone

by XRider



Series: The Internal Workings of Tooru Oikawa [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abandonment, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anyone - Freeform, Depressed Oikawa Tooru, Drunken Confessions, Eating Disorders, F/M, Gen, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, I promise a part 2, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, It’s slightly dark, Iwaizumi Hajime Swears, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru Angst, M/M, Mentions Suicide, Sad Oikawa Tooru, Substance Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing, but I promise part 2 will make up for it, ending is happy, just be patient, please enter with caution, please read the tags, trigger warning, well... happyish, you will probably cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-25 01:20:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 36,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30081270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XRider/pseuds/XRider
Summary: *Please enter this fic with caution*Oikawa didn’t have a hard life like others he knew. So he should be having these thoughts. These problems.But here he is against letting the darkness suffocate him and leading him back down the dark road he had already crawled his way back from.But he refused to burden anyone and refused helpOnly Iwaizumi feels the cloud approaching. Not understanding what hell was approaching he does his best to keep Oikawa’s head above water.Only the pair carry more burden then they realize and soon both are at risk of drowning
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: The Internal Workings of Tooru Oikawa [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2213610
Comments: 5
Kudos: 33





	Anyone

**Author's Note:**

> Again enter this fic with caution. Read the tags. 
> 
> I wanted to make it as realistic as one could in a sense so I tried to avoid heavy details but it still gives you plenty of pain
> 
> There is an important note at the end
> 
> Enjoy your tears

The floor was gone

But he couldn’t act like it was

  
  


The crowd faded with the floor

So did the team

But he couldn’t act like it

  
  


His fingers ached and knee trembled

The whistle was deafening

His heart suddenly stopped

But he couldn’t act like it

  
  


His world was ending

But he couldn’t act like it

  
  


He was the pillar

He was the captain

He had to stay strong

  
  


But his world was ending

  
  


————————

  
  


Oikawa didn’t know what else to do

They just lost

It was his fault

He could never play volleyball again

His world just ended

But he couldn’t act like it

He shouldn’t feel this way. 

He didn’t have a rough life or anything. He had a perfectly normal and happy childhood. His friends and family were amazing. He should be happy. He acted happy. 

But he was falling apart. 

He had been for years and he had always kept it to himself. He had no reason to feel like this. Like everyone else says it’s just volleyball there will always be another game. 

So he kept up his act for everyone. He didn’t let his guard down. Even as he and Iwaizumi walked home that night. He held together and waited. 

His life was perfect. A loss in a high school game shouldn’t be his undoing. 

But his world was already weak. Now it just ended. 

The moment he closed the door to his room he gave his body permission to crumble. His knee finally gave out to his weight like it had been trying to do since he landed on it for that out of court set. Full tears finally landing on his palms unlike the small ones he had tried to force back earlier. 

The darkness around him caved in. Swallowing him letting it’s teeth graze his skin as he sank into it. 

He had lost to Tobio Kageyama. He wasn’t going to nationals. His final year and he had failed himself and his whole team. It was all his fault. He couldn’t beat the damn genius setter that had been at his coattails the whole time. 

No. Kageyama had surpassed him, hardly giving him a glance over his shoulder as he did. 

He wouldn’t be able to redeem himself against Ushiwaka. Which may be even worse. 

He was letting himself crumble. Giving in. Giving up. Just for now. Just for tonight. 

  
  


He would have to rebuild in the morning. 

  
  


He would have to fake it again by morning. 

  
  


————————

  
  


Just across the street Iwaizumi glares at his phone. Finger hovering just over the call button with Oikawa’s name taunting him. 

Something was off. He couldn’t say what but he could feel it in his bones. He could feel it most of the night and had attributed it to the loss against Karasuno but now it was worse. Stronger. Almost painful. It felt… like it was begging for something. 

And it seemed to keep pointing to Oikawa. 

It wasn’t the first time this had happened. In fact there had always been a glaring feeling something was off but it never made sense to why. There was no trigger. Everything seemed fine. He could read Oikawa like an open book so why couldn’t he figure out this feeling of panic that always seemed to pop up. 

Oikawa seemed fine. Just as hurt and down as the rest of them. Blaming themselves as he knew they would despite any words that would flow from others mouths in comfort. 

So why is it bugging him so much?

He just saw him. He was ok. He would be ok. 

Iwazumi closed his phone, shaking his head. He stripped down to shower instead hoping to wash the feeling away. 

The desperate feeling of someone screaming for help. A feeling Oikawa had pulled him from one too many times. 

Yeah… that must be it. He’s just feeling it within himself. It’s nothing to do with Oikawa… it was simply his old fears raising their heads wondering if they could mess with him again. 

He wouldn’t let them though. He was well trained now. He knew the signs. He wouldn’t let them topple him ever again. 

It had nothing to do with Oikawa

So he showered a bit hotter than normal. Letting the warmth strip away the feeling. Letting the desperate call for help wash down the drain. Like it was his to wash away. 

The feeling muted for the time being for Iwazumi. Leaving him to be at peace. Instead it simply moved through the air to the street between the house lifting its head screaming. Then it sank away to the darkness that would comfort Oikawa’s dark thoughts all through the night. 

He shouldn’t feel this way

  
  


But he didn’t know what else to do

  
  


————————

  
  


Oikawa didn’t sleep that night no matter how he tried. The match running through his mind on echo. Each toss of the ball played over and over. 

However he didn’t regret a single set. No… it was that failed receive that played over and over. He knew where the ball was going. He could see it in that number ten’s eyes. He had just been too slow. One more step and he could have saved it. 

He could have played a little longer. 

When the sun began to taunt him he slumped downstairs to say good morning to his parents. Painting on his cheerful smile despite the darkness hovering inside him. 

“Honey how’s your knee? I saw some of the game. It was so drawn out I’m sure your knee could use a good therapy session,” his mom remarked offering a refill of his water

“Oh no! It’s fine! I iced it a bit and stretched it. It’s hardly sore!”

_ Lie _

“Ok honey. Well what are your plans today?”

“Probably go pester Iwa-Chan or something. I do have some class work as well.”

_ Lie _

“Alright. Don’t bother the boy too much now. Also..” his mother paused as she sat beside him, his father also turning fully towards him offering a small smile, “We know you worked really hard and we are very proud of you. It couldn’t have been easy giving 100% like that and not going to nationals. Especially it being your last year. We just wanted to make sure you were ok. We know it’s not just a game to you but you are playing in college so there will always be another game to look forward to.”

“Yeah I’ll be ok. It sucks, it's my last game of high school and I really really wanted to beat Ushiwaka… but we will have another chance to battle it out.”

_ Lie _

_ Lie _

_ Lie _

“Ok honey. Have a good day alright!”

“Of course! Thank you!”

_ Lie _

Maybe the lies are what drew him back. Maybe it was the fact the game wouldn’t shut up in his brain. Maybe it was because the darkness roared inside him and grew more powerful there. Maybe he thought it would help. 

He had already told Iwaizumi he wasn’t going to watch because whoever won was going to pissed him off. He didn’t want to see who was benefiting from his downfall. He also didn’t want to see his own pain reflected in someone else’s eyes… or maybe he did. 

It didn’t really matter. He couldn’t get his contacts in so he was in his glasses. His jacket long enough to cover him. He hid his brace under his jeans hoping it didn’t bulge too much and give him away. He would hide himself in the top rows where he could watch everything. 

No one would know he was there. 

Maybe it would help…….. It didn’t

Every time the ball went up Oikawa’s fingers itched. Every time it was slammed to the ground his arms aches. Every serve stung his palm. Every jump a player took made his knee ache and tremble. Every block made him flinch just a little. 

Each sound seemed to darken his soul. His mind screamed at him. Begging for help. 

_ You should be there _

_ You should be fighting down there _

_ You failed _

_ Too slow _

_ Too weak _

_ Not talented enough _

_ Too broken _

_ You failed _

_ Failed _

_ You deserve nothing _

_ Useless _

_ Failure _

“Oh. You're here too.”

_ Iwaizumi  _

  
  


——————

  
  


They walked in silence. The earlier talk of Karasuno victory had faded. The moon slowly made its way up the sky as the light around them faded. Oikawa easing his steps to match Iwaizumi’s shorter stride, thankful for the chance to take it easy on his knee. 

Iwaizumi nudged Oikawa slightly, dipping his head toward the park they were about to pass. It wasn’t far from their houses. They often played there as kids. Oikawa often tossing the ball to himself as Iwaizumi searches for those stupid bugs. As they aged Iwaizumi would join Oikawa with the volleyball but once Oikawa hurt his knee Iwaizumi claimed the park was for down time and that he could no longer play ball there anymore. Instead they took to sitting on the grassy side of the hill and stargazed till cold. 

That’s where they took position tonight. Oikawa flopping lazily down to Iwaizumi's left side as always. Leaning back letting his hands rest behind his head letting his injured knee stay slightly flexed instead of straightened out where most the pain seemed to be from. 

They laid in silence for several moments watching the moon hang itself in the darkened sky. Small stars joining the moon sending themselves into patterns for the boys to connect. 

“Do you know where you are going yet?” Iwaizumi interrupted Oikawa’s gaze

Oikawa hummed. There had been several places he had planned on going originally. Most in Japan but now he felt haunted. 

Everywhere he would turn in Japan he would be compared to Kageyama more and more. He would always be remembered as the setter who couldn’t beat Ushiwaka. The failure. The broken. The unworthy. 

“I’m not staying in Japan.”

The words were ripped from his chest before he gave them permission. He blinked upwards realizing what he said. It was the truth. He couldn’t bare it. The idea of staying in Japan. The idea of playing volleyball again. 

He couldn’t do it anymore. 

“Does that mean you are taking the offer from Argentina?” There was no surprise in Iwaizumi’s voice

Maybe he expected this

Oikawa shrugged. He shifted slightly to his side propping himself on his arm to face Iwaizumi. Turning the tables on him. 

“What about you? Got everything figured out do you?”

Iwaizumi snorted, keeping his gaze to the sky, “I’m thinking of America.”

_ America _

So far away. This was really it. Their final year. He wouldn’t have Iwaizumi by his side anymore. He really would be truly alone. Alone. 

“Well Iwa-Chan they say girls in America are hot,” Oikawa winked at his friend, “Mean but hot. Actually you might like them mean wouldn’t you Iwa-Chan. You like something with a bit of a mouth on her,” Oikawa teased

Iwaizumi frowned, shoving Oikawa slightly, sending him into his back. Oikawa snickered at Iwaizumi’s sour face. 

“Then I would be stuck thinking of you all day Shittykawa. I don’t need two of you. You are obnoxious enough.”

“Mean Iwa-Chan!”

Iwaizumi scowled again raising an arm to smack Oikawa’s head but Oikawa simply giggled and blocked the attack. Iwaizumi quickly countered slipping his other hand to Oikawa’s side lightly brushing his skin. Oikawa’s shrieks filled the air as Iwaizumi rapidly moved his fingers across his sides. Oikawa has always been ticklish ever since he was a child. 

“Iwa-Chan! I can’t breath! Stoooop this is mean! Iwa-Chan! Wait- ow ow ow,” Oikawa giggles quickly dispersed as did Iwaizumi’s hands

On reflex Oikawa had went to kick free. His knee hit Iwaizumi’s side. Where it may have been nothing to Iwaizumi the pain flared in Oikawa. 

Iwaizumi looked down carefully, grabbing Oikawa’s calf and rolling the knee toward him. He watched carefully as Oikawa winced at the movement. 

“I knew you weren’t ok. Why did you lie to me? Why haven’t you gotten it looked at?”

Oikawa flinched again at Iwaizumi’s tone. 

“Oikawa if you want to keep playing you’ve got to take care of it. You can’t keep hiding it.”

“What if I…” Oikawa let his voice fade off and dropped his head away from his best friend 

“What if what Tooru?”

“Nothing,” Oikawa stood giving Iwaizumi a small smile, “I’ll see you later Iwa-Chan.”

“Oikawa!” Iwaizumi shouted behind him

But Oikawa wrapped his coat around him a bit tighter and quickly aimed back to his house. 

There was no need to burden Iwaizumi with his thoughts. No need to drag him along anymore. Iwaizumi was headed to America anyway. He would make new friends out there. He didn’t need to be stuck babysitting him anymore. 

He would be okay on his own. 

  
  


———————

  
  


_ The ball went up. He started his approach. It felt as natural as always. It felt good. Perfect. That finally service ace called his name. They just needed one more point to finish it off. They had been battling for five games after all. Now it was down to this moment.  _

_ He flew. Back arched as he picked his spot. Arm raised ready to strike. The court seemed to slow down for him. His spot highlighted. There it was. Near the back where the setter was about to switch spots. Perfect.  _

_ He felt the hit land solid on his palm and fingers. It felt good. Perfect. The aim was precise. The libero wasn’t going to make it. The setter in the way of the other. It was perfect.  _

_ Then the ball hit the floor… and he hit the floor.  _

_ His team cheered around him in their victory. They hadn’t noticed yet. They didn’t see Oikawa gasping on the floor. Hands shaking as they went to his knee. Another gasp ripped through him as he tried to remember how to breathe. His eyes stinging with fear and pain.  _

_ Matsukawa was the first to notice.  _

_ “Oikawa?” _

_ The voice felt so far. It couldn’t read through the cloud that had quickly formed in his brain.  _

_ “Oikawa?” _

_ Everything was too painful. Another gasp ripped from his lungs. The clouds are suffocating his body now. Demanding more. Stealing more.  _

_ “Tooru.” _

_ A hand cradled his face as he gasped again. A harsh wave of tears trying to force its way through. He couldn’t. Not here. Not in front of everyone.  _

_ “Tooru,” the voice again it was different though it wasn’t Matsukawa’s from earlier _

_ “Hajime,” Oikawa finally gasped out blinking and looking for the voice  _

_ All he could see was dark clouds. The voice fading again. Darkness was overwhelming. This wasn’t good. He couldn’t breath.  _

_ He felt himself being moved. He didn’t like it. He couldn’t see where he was going. He couldn’t see who had him.he was floating through a cloud of panic. He needed to fight it.  _

_ “Hey hey. Tooru, relax okay. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” _

_ Lie  _

_ Lie _

_ Lie _

_ He tightened his grip on the hand in his. It squeezed back. It felt familiar.  _

_ “Hajime.” _

_ “I’m here. You will be okay. We will get the doctors to look at you soon.” _

_ No _

_ No _

_ No _

_ Oikawa tried to fight the dark cloud. He did.  _

_ But he failed _

_ It sank into his lungs with each breath finding others like it already inside him. Digging through his brain forcing things he had already settled to rise again. All his past issues suddenly trying to force themselves to join the cloud.  _

_ He was sinking. He was drowning. He was suffocating. He was dying.  _

_ Just not physically _

_ The dark cloud finally granted him vision back as they waited for the scan results. He could finally look at Iwaizumi properly. Still besides him in his uniform looking sour.  _

_ “You should join the others to celebrate,” Oikawa finally forced out _

_ “They are in the waiting room.” _

_ “Tell them to leave.” _

_ Iwaizumi simply squeezed Oikawa’s hand but didn’t move.  _

_ Then there was the surgery. Then the rehab. He pushed himself desperately to get back to the court. He needed his revenge. He needed to toss to Iwaizumi again. His team needed him.  _

_ They really didn’t… _

_ He just didn’t realize it till he came back. The cloud taunted him forcing up a sickness that caused him to lose weight for months as he battled his way back to the court.  _

_ “Oikawa.” _

_ Iwaizumi didn’t feel scolding anymore. It always felt like worry.  _

_ “I’m fine Iwa-Chan. Must not be eating enough milk bread is all.” _

_ He was desperate to get back. To be needed. They really didn’t need him in the end. He didn’t matter like he thought. He was just another volleyball player.  _

_ Broken _

_ Worthless _

_ Unneeded _

_ That he was just Tooru Oikawa _

_ Nothing special about him _

_ He just wanted to fade away _

_ But he couldn’t… _

_ Not yet… _

  
  


———————

  
  
  


Oikawa flinched as a wad of papers landed heavily in front of him. He had been absent mindedly staring at his eggs. He never heard his mom come in. 

“Go change you aren’t going to school today,” she said walking over to the coffee pot pouring a to go cup

“Um then where am I going?” Oikawa looked at the papers and groaned 

Medical history and a small map of a Tokyo hospital. His mom tapped the paper as she put in her earring and adjusted her shoes. He should have noticed she was wearing sneakers and not heels this morning. 

“We have an appointment. Why didn’t you tell us it was bugging you? I had to find out from Hajime. He called me not long after you got home saying he had a feeling I didn’t know it was bugging you.”

Oikawa grumbled tilting back his water to finish the cup. He could feel his mom’s eyes on him like she was waiting. He didn’t want to say his reasons. They didn’t make sense. 

His brain didn’t make sense. 

He shouldn’t be having these thoughts. His life was normal. Happy. Free from any garbage that others may have carried around with them. 

He shouldn’t be feeling dark like this. 

“I’ll change for them then… I’m sure sweats or shorts is easier for them,” he pushed back his chair sparing his mom a kiss on the cheek 

They took the train that morning. Oikawa ignored Iwaizumi’s messages about not being a morning practice and classes. He knew the others would probably bug him once he didn’t show up for afternoon practice. The season may be over for them but it didn’t mean they would help the underclassmen prep for next year.

The doctor visit was long and annoying as always. They did an X-ray, then an MRI, and then they did several motorized tests. Nothing he hadn’t done before. 

Though all he could think about was the questionnaire he had to fill out before going back

**Are you sexually active?**

_ No _

**Are you on any medication?**

_ No _

**Have you considered self harm?**

_ No _

**Have you considered harming others?**

_ No _

**Have you lost interest in any activities or hobbies?**

_ No _

**Is your appetite normal?**

_ Yes _

**Have you….**

**Have you….**

_ Have you… _

The never ending list of things he was supposed to answer honestly. He gave them the answer they were looking for. The ones they needed to go on through the day. 

But were any of the answers… wrong?

His mom’s phone buzzed on their way back. She glanced down at it humming slightly. The sun sinking behind them, filling the car with an orange hue. 

“Oh baby do you have your phone off? Hajime texted me.”

Oikawa hummed, pretending to look surprised when he looked down to see his phone was off. 

“Oh shoot. Must have turned it off when we arrived,” he muttered bringing it to life 

Every notification sent a haze through him. Demanding to know what’s wrong. Letting him know he was busted for skipping. 

Oikawa could only see the failure. The let down to his team. The let down to those who had backed him. He didn’t deserve their attention no matter how much he acted like he should. 

They were fine without him. The day went on like normal. They didn’t need him. 

Oikawa sent a quick text in the group chat announcing he was fine and would be back tomorrow. His finger hesitated slightly over Iwaizumi’s contact. He knew he couldn’t hide forever.

“Shittykawa where the hell are you?”

“Ah Iwa-Chan rude!”

“Well?”

“Just strained is all. Rest and ice, the same as always,” Oikawa rolled his eyes knowing very well what Iwaizumi’s question was for, “No need to worry.”

“Someone has to worry for you, you idiot. You don’t ever take care of yourself.”

Oikawa snorted letting his head rest back on the window, closing his eyes. The click of the tracks satisfying parts of his brain that have been on edge. 

But the questions kept rotating in his brain

_ Have you… have you… have you… _

“Tell me Iwa-Chan, What all did I miss today!”

  
  


——————

  
  


Since he was a kid Oikawa could never justify his thoughts. 

They were dark. Cruel. Scary. 

They had no purpose in his brain. He never understood how they got there. Why they were there. They shouldn’t be there. Nothing bad has happened to him.

He had always heard of people having these thoughts but they were damaged people. People who had been through a trauma or a rough patch. 

Oikawa always reasoned he had a good family, life, home, and friends. He shouldn’t have these thoughts.he hadn’t suffered like others have. He can’t think about these things. 

Yet here he was

His food glaring back at him. Taunting him. 

_ You can’t work out yet but you want to eat me _

_ How selfish  _

_ How disgusting  _

_ You really want to be like that _

No… no he didn’t

“Tooru what’s up? Breakfast is getting cold if you don’t eat soon,” His mother passing him a glass of orange juice

_ Are you going to disappoint your mother  _

_ Are you going to let me go to waste _

_ Even if I slow you down… make you worthless _

“Sorry day dreaming,” Oikawa forced himself to shovel some food in his mouth

It tasted off. It felt heavy and stuck. It didn’t want to ease down his throat. 

_ What have you done _

He was forced to sit during morning practice too. Iwaizumi not even letting him set the ball in a chair. Instead forced to give advice while bouncing his good leg up and down like a mad man. He felt sticky. Heavy. Useless. 

“Oikawa are you ok? You like kinda sick,” Kindaichi asked collecting a ball near him

“Yeah… just don’t think breakfast is sitting well with me.”

“Then take a nap in the locker room,” Iwaizumi interrupted, “We can’t have our captain getting sick all over the court.”

Oikawa whined but earned a look from coach. He sighed and stood to leave. 

“Oikawa.”

He turned to see Iwaizumi giving him a look, “Are you sure you're ok?”

“Yeah yeah. I’ll sleep it off,” he waved heading to the room.”

_ Disgusted by you _

_ All of it _

_ What do you want to do this time _

_ What made you feel the best last time _

_ Do you want to do it again _

_ I think you should _

_ Relief  _

_ You could feel relief _

Oikawa’s mind didn’t even give him the choice to choose. He sprinted to the bathroom pushing open the door to kneel over the toilet. Breakfast exited him roughly. He gagged after the smell but his brain was right.

_ Disgusting  _

_ But lighter _

“Not again… not again…” he whispered flushing the toilet 

He stumbled out of the stall toward the skin. He felt pale. Sticky. Useless. But lighter. 

_ Disgusting  _

“Not again… please no not again…” he splashed water on his face clinging to the sides of the sink

He couldn’t do it again. The months he suffered in silence. Over eating, then not eating, and exercising himself into exhaustion. His mind. The darkness and the mind tricks it pulled on him. They had been silent for so long. 

Why were they back now?

_ Useless  _

_ You failed _

_ Failed  _

_ They deserve better _

_ They don’t want you _

_ They don’t need you _

_ Just a waste _

The memories of before overwhelming him. The pain from his knee. The shitty attempt to starve himself the first round. The nightmares. The suffocating. The wanting to end it all. 

Why were they back? Why were they so loud? 

They had almost won last time. They really had. If Iwaizumi hadn’t called with a homework question. If he hadn’t asked him to come over and just show him how it worked… he would have done it. He was already in the tub ready when the phone rang. Iwaizumi didn’t even know… he never let anyone know. 

No one ever need to know

_ Come on Tooru don’t you know _

_ The world doesn’t keep turning just because you exist  _

_ It probably would spin better without you  _

He had beat this once before. On his own. No help. So there was no need to tell anyone this round. He could do it again. He could beat it again. 

_ That’s funny that’s not how I remember it _

Oikawa laid out on his bed focusing on every breath. A long inhale. Hold for five seconds. Gentle exhale. Each breath calculated and focused on the soul purpose of staying alive. Staying here. 

_ If you stay here you hurt yourself and those around you _

Inhale

Exhale

_ Absolute waste. Proves hard work can’t beat talent.  _

Inhale 

Exhale 

_ Your phone is ringing  _

Oikawa groaned, flipping to his stomach looking at the caller id. Iwa-Chan. It was an odd hour. They had only just finished dinner. Iwaizumi should be doing homework. Unless he was stuck on something. 

“Yeah?” Oikawa exhaled waiting three seconds before inhaling 

“I need to come over… they are at it again.”

The words came out quiet and meek. Such a contrast to what one normal sees from Iwaizumi. 

“You know you don’t have to call me to tell me. You just need to show up.”

There was a grumble in the other end and the call ended. Oikawa dropped the phone off to the side letting his face fall into the pillow. 

_ Aww here we go again Tooru. Just like it should be.  _

Oikawa wanted nothing more than to tell the voice in his head to can it. Nothing more for it to just go away. The taunts it gave him. The ideas it fed him. The cruelty and hate with each word. It stayed heavy in his mind and soul. 

_ It’s just punishment for being a waste of a human Tooru. Your life has always been so easy. Unlike your friends yet they are so much stronger than you. They don’t let these dark thoughts twist their wills. They are stronger than you. You deserve to suffer.  _

He could hear heavy steps falling flat against the floor just outside his room. He didn’t lift his head at the soft click of the open and closing of the door. Nor when he heard a bag drop onto the chair. 

“Are you still ill?”

Oikawa groaned, rolling onto his back, opening a spot for Iwaizumi to lay beside him. He patted the spot and watched as Iwaizumi slowly edged himself into the bed as if worried that too much movement would cause Oikawa to get sick. 

Iwaizumi didn’t know he got sick in the bathroom at school. Just like he wasn’t going to know about how he was knelt over the toilet only minutes before he had called him as he finally collapsed onto the bed trying to steady his breathing. Trying to gain back control. 

_ This is how you controlled it last time.  _

“Just a bad day,” Oikawa muttered throwing an arm over his head covering his eyes slightly

Iwaizumi hummed fully laying beside Oikawa. 

“Me too.”

“What were they arguing about now?”

“They found out I’m leaving for America. Or at least trying to.”

“Money?”

“Yeah.”

The pair sighed in sync. Iwaizumi’s parents, while sweet people, had no sense in not fighting in front of their son. Over everything. Iwaizumi knew all their dirty secrets. From affairs to money troubles and they were none the wiser. 

“You?”

_ A useless weakling. A waste of a human. A mockery to society. Should just leave already like you already are going to. Leave me behind.  _

“My brain is cruel,” Oikawa managed to whisper 

Iwaizumi frowned looking over to Oikawa 

“What?”

_ Are you really going to make your problems bigger than his when he came to you for help? _

Oikawa shook his head letting a soft smile slip, “Oh sorry nothing! Guess just… one of those days.”

The answer was satisfactory 

“Come on. We have homework to do and have you stretched your knee yet?” Iwaizumi sat up grabbing his bag from besides them

“Do we have to pull out the futon too or do you love me enough to cuddle tonight?” Oikawa waggled his eyebrows earning a strange look from Iwaizumi 

“We are definitely pulling out the futon after… whatever your eyebrows just did.”

“Oh come on Iwa-Chan the ladies love it!”

“That’s why your single.”

_ Just not worth loving is all Iwa-Chan not worth the effort _

  
  


———————

  
  


It’s the cold sweat that crawls down the back to drip on the bathroom floor at 3am. The bright light that seems to flash against the eyelids trying to claw through. The small pants of exhaustion from having nothing else to give up. Head feeling likes it’s splitting down the middle. 

_ You let yourself sink back already just as weak as you were that first year _

Oikawa shoved back a sob that was stuck in his throat. Too raw and thick to make it past his throat anyway. It was a useless cry for help. 

_ You want to call someone? Let them know just how weak and disgusting you are. Throw your problems onto them. Problems that you shouldn’t be having.  _

“Shut up… please just shut up.”

The words were like sandpaper in the silence. The urge to gag rose again but there was nothing left to give. There hadn’t been anything to give. 

_ Three days without food and you are still too much of a waste of a human. Just disappear. _

“Stop please stop.”

Would his parents notice if he showered again? Was it selfish of him too? He could claim a nightmare or something forced him up. The sweat coated his skin to the point he needed a shower. 

It took several minutes to rise. Each passing second felt like hours. Half expecting his parents to walk in at any moment. Too dizzy to think of a logical reason why he was on the floor shaking. 

He fumbled around stiffly almost knocking things off shelves as he clambered into the shower. Every movement felt too fast or too slow. Like time was working against him. 

_ There is milk bread down stairs when you are finished here _

His stomach turned at the idea but his insides aches at the thought of finally getting something that wasn’t just tea. 

_ Think of another way to punish yourself if you are so desperate  _

Oikawa scrubbed his sins from his skin till he was pink and sore. He was supposed to be clear to practice again. Not that the 3rd years really needed to. Honestly it was time for them to move on. Let the dynamic get comfortable without them there. They were not needed anymore. 

_ They don’t need you just leave. You were useless to them anyway.  _

His internal voice isn’t wrong… maybe that’s the worse part. His stupid voice mocking him every hour. Reminding him of what exactly he is. 

Oikawa never told anyone before… because how do you explain it? That the internal monologue that runs through his brain was so cruel. They would just say ‘think positive’ right? Like that would magically fix the system. 

It wasn’t like it was triggered by the loss of a simple game. No it had been an issue since he was a kid. Constantly feeling the desperate need to do better. To be better. To be the best. Only to fail over and over again. 

That’s when the dark thoughts learned to take over. To tell him he wasn’t enough. A waste of a human. Didn’t deserve the breaths he took. 

The worst part was trying to convince himself the voice was wrong… because it felt like nothing but the truth. 

He finally dried himself before carefully sneaking into the kitchen. Sure enough a fresh loaf of milk bread was wrapped neatly on the counter. His parents would definitely notice he took some. He could make up something in the morning. 

_ Pathetic  _

His stomach wound tight as he carefully took his first bite. His stomach revolted yet cheered at the prospect of food. 

_ If you fail this, find a different way… _

The bread felt like lead down his throat. It would sink heavy in his stomach. The thought alone already made him shake. 

_ Too much _

Breath

Inhale

Wait

Exhale

Wait

_ What fool thinks breathing will help _

Didn’t it help last time?

_ No _

No…

No… what did?

_ You almost killed yourself last time remember? You couldn’t even starve yourself properly so you tried other means to get rid of these thoughts. The pain. That failed too. You should have jumped. It would have been easier  _

The night Iwaizumi called

Iwaizumi…

What would he have to say about it?

_ Weak. Coward. Piling your problems onto someone who already has them.  _

Oikawa hardly remembered moving back to his bedroom. His fist clutching the bit of bread still in his hand. Crumbs slowly drifted from his fingers to the ground. His other fingers drifted toward the call button. It’s almost 4am. 

It buzzed a few times before a gruff ‘what’ came from the other end. Oikawa stared at it. Not making a sound. A few curses and a few ’hellos’ echoed from the other side. 

Without a response Iwaizumi hung up. 

  
  


——————

  
  
  


“Oi Shittykawa, what was with the call last night?”

Oikawa hummed as Iwaizumi fell in step with him pulling out his headphones. He flashes a smirk at Iwaizumi and chuckles slightly. 

“Sorry I fell asleep with my phone open. I guess I rolled over at a point and accidentally hit your contact! You weren’t the only one I got a text from a few others saying I slept on the phone apparently.”

Iwaizumi muttered something, shoving Oikawa slightly as he laughed. 

“Freakin woke me up for nothing then.”

“I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you!”

Oikawa swung an arm over Iwaizumi’s shoulders, earning a new glare. The glare softened slightly as Iwaizumi studied Oikawa. 

“Are you sure you slept last night? You look like shit.”

Oikawa released Iwaizumi giving a small wave

“Yeah just didn’t fall asleep till late. My brain has been too active.”

Iwaizumi hummed, still observing Oikawa out of the corner of his eye. Something was off. He could sense it but whatever it was he knew Oikawa wouldn’t say. 

“I’ll buy you lunch today as a apology!” Oikawa clapped his hands together just as they entered the school, “Oh I need to talk to the third years too.”

“About not going to practice anymore?”

Oikawa nodded, “It’s time for our little ones to stand on their own. We can always join an alumni game if they want but they need to get a feel for what next year will be like.”

“I was thinking that last night too,” Iwaizumi admitted changing his shoes 

“Glad we are on the same page,” Oikawa chirped closing his locker waiting for Iwaizumi 

Iwaizumi glances up at Oikawa who smiled and chimed a hello to a group of his fangirls who were waltzing by. The feeling of unease was still there. It had been. Something was off but what was he missing?

“Oi Shittykawa can I spend the night?”

Oikawa tilted his head and looked down, “Sure”

Iwaizumi nodded, letting out a small sigh of relief. It may be nothing. It may be he was wrong. He had these feelings before about Oikawa. Like a blanket of warning. Like sirens before a storm only to not see the storm. 

But why couldn’t he see the dark cloud it was warning him about

Were they even real? 

“Hey you two are you coming over on Friday?” 

The pair turned to see Matsukawa as he slung himself over Iwaizumi’s shoulders, earning a scowl. Oikawa raised an eyebrow waiting for more explanation. 

“You know… the party?”

Oh that

Oikawa blinked slowly, his mind reeling back to early that morning after the phone call to Iwaizumi. Staring at the screen watching the time tick by and listening to Iwaizumi call for him. 

It had reminded him of that day he wanted to end it all. He almost did if he hadn’t gotten that call from Iwaizumi for homework help. That notebook flashed in his mind and sent him digging through his closet at almost 5am. 

Then he found it. Sure there were the notes and such from school but toward the back there was a page. A reminder to himself from that day. He never got rid of the notebook just in case. He was thankful for hoarding it at that moment. 

_ Not eating makes the voices go away.  _

_ But it stopped working _

_ Try new ways _

_ What else will make them go away _

_ What will make them stay away _

He had been stuck on why he couldn’t eat. It must have been bad he had trained his body to do when the voices appeared. Only he knew now they were voices. It was his own stupid brain. That little part that tells you how life is and how to feel about it. That part seemed broken. Constantly taunting him determined to make him miserable. 

Other ways… there were other ways. Oikawa had just chosen the wrong one last time. He needed to retrain his brain… but what made it easier. 

There was… a few ways he had seen. The idea of it left him feeling guilty and raw. Nothing new but uncomfortable nonetheless. One… would be ideal to try at a party. 

“Yeah we will be there!” He blinked slightly feeling like he took too long to answer 

“Perfect let me just- hey wait up!” And with that he ducked off

Iwaizumi scoffed standing straight, finally able to walk to class. Oikawa still by his side staring at his phone. His internal alarms rose again. Screaming at him to do something. Looking closer. 

He’s missing something. 

“I’ll see you for lunch!”

And Oikawa turned and left before Iwaizumi could get a better read 

Iwaizumi could almost smell the storm approaching 

  
  


—————

  
  


It wasn’t for a lack of studying Oikawa that made it difficult. Iwaizumi knew Oikawa well enough… but it was simply the fact that Oikawa hid his problems better. Which Iwaizumi never understood. 

Maybe it was that Oikawa was simply too proud to admit he was struggling or that something was wrong. Maybe he himself didn’t know the issue. Even then though it didn’t seem right. Oikawa was brilliant and had always been open about what he thought he lacked in volleyball. 

So why was he hiding? Why was he always trying to hide it?

Iwaizumi was studying Oikawa desperately out of the corner of his eye as they worked on schoolwork. He was so casual. Occasionally pouty at a difficult problem. Seemed so… carefree

But it was something

The scent of a dark storm brewing. Hiding behind Oikawa’s eyes. Something cruel was brewing there. Maybe already there and Oikawa was simply hiding the fact he was drowning. 

Or maybe… Iwaizumi was overthinking

“You’ve been quiet tonight Iwa-Chan, are you all right?”

Oikawa leaned back slightly looking up at his friend from their spot at the kitchen table. The pizza from earlier had finally been packed away despite Oikawa only nibbling on a single slice. 

“I’m worried,” Iwaizumi only said focusing on his work

“About?” Iwaizumi could already mental see the puppy dog head tilt as Oikawa rested his chin on his palm 

“You.”

Iwaizumi finally looked up, noticing a new frown on Oikawa. The boy leaned back again in his seat arms crossed 

“But I’m fine.”

“No you aren’t. I can’t figure out what or why and it’s been worrying.”

“Didn’t know you thought that much about me Iwa-Chan,” Oikawa teased 

Silence hung around them as Iwaizumi stared down Oikawa with a small scowl. Oikawa not giving him his normal smirk. 

“You know my issues… with my parents… you are my best friend and you are always the one to pick up on the shift. Always jump to help before I ever ask and yet,” Iwaizumi pointed his eraser at Oikawa, “I know something is wrong. Like a storm is here. You won’t admit it… but somethings wrong. Why won’t you tell me? What if I can help.”

Oikawa gave a small smile tilting his head back letting out a sigh. There was no movement for several minutes before he suddenly began to collect his work. 

“I think it’s time for bed Iwa-Chan.”

“Oikawa.”

But Oikawa stood heading to his room leaving Iwaizumi at the table. Iwaizumi cursed quickly, gathering his stuff following Oikawa. Oikawa was already changing when he arrived. Iwaizumi couldn’t help but just stare at him a moment. Praying for anything. 

He couldn’t help but notice Oikawa looked a bit slimmer. It has happened before… typically whenever his knee bothers him he loses weight. Claims the meds mess with his diet. Maybe that’s why he didn’t eat much tonight. 

“Oikawa.”

Oikawa turned slightly, giving Iwaizumi a bright smile. He pulled his shirt on turning to his bed with his hands on his hips. 

“Do you want the futon or share?”

Oikawa didn’t wait for an answer as he waved his way out to brush his teeth. Iwaizumi just stood in the room staring at the bed. He wasn’t wrong… was he? Something was coming… or here… right?

He changed in what felt like a daze and sat on the edge of the bed. He noticed a tattered notebook on the edge of Oikawa’s desk. Volleyball journal maybe? No, that one was a different color. Old school work? Why would he keep it?

Oikawa returned noticing Iwaizumi seeming to glare at the notebook. His heart paused for a moment. How could he have been so careless to leave it out like that? In the open for anyone to read. The dark thoughts that screamed in his skull and haunted his days and nights. 

Iwaizumi seemed to blink to life moving out the door to use the restroom. Not mentioning if he had opened it or not. Oikawa quickly shoved it elsewhere out of sight. 

He eased onto the bed leaning against the wall slightly. He felt cold. Tried. Fighting his brain trying to convince himself to think of something else. Something else to control. Something that wasn’t starving himself but he couldn’t control it exactly. He couldn’t understand it. 

_ Think of something bigger then _

He didn’t even realize Iwaizumi had come back. Hardly noticed when he sat besides him. Jolted from his thoughts at the feeling of Iwaizumi’s rough yet warm hand squeezed his knee. Blinking slowly up at him. 

Storms clouds hiding away again. 

“Sorry!” Oikawa squeaked, noting the way Iwaizumi seemed locked onto him, “Sharing tonight I guess?”

Iwaizumi nodded, taking Oikawa’s hand and helping him off the bed so they could get under the covers. Lights soon off the only light coming through the window thanks to distant streetlights and the moon. 

Iwaizumi felt that old feeling stir in his chest. The same one that’s grown in him since they were kids as he stared at Oikawa under the thin light. Something he’s never discussed with Oikawa let alone anyone. Something he was sure he would never get to say. 

It made moments like this difficult 

“Oikawa… please just tell me what I can do. Even if you won’t tell me what… tell me what to do.”

Oikawa stayed silent, eyes closed as he remained facing Iwaizumi. His breathing still proved he was awake however. It hadn’t fallen into its quiet cadence just yet. 

“Can you just stay with me… even if it gets bad?”

It was hardly a whisper. Iwaizumi didn’t even think he had actually heard it. But as he stared at Oikawa’s face he could see the other boy open his eyes just a bit. He could see it again. The pain, the struggle. The darkness. Something was eating him alive inside. Something cruel. 

Iwaizumi fought against everything he had taught himself over the years. Don’t get too close. Don’t get too attached. His parents had ingrained that into him. Not to trust…

But Oikawa…

Always there. His motivation. His support. His…

Iwaizumi was always away. He was Oikawa’s pillar. The one to pull him from the deep and keep him straight. It went both ways though. No one seemed to realize how much Iwaizumi needed Oikawa. 

“You are stuck with me. I’m always here,” Iwaizumi said pulling Oikawa toward his chest as if it was safer there

Oikawa seemed to relax into Iwaizumi’s hold. A soft breath shuttering out. His voice had been quiet today. Hardly a whisper. Dark thoughts only just under the surface. 

“Thank you,” he whispered letting his fingers weave through Iwaizumi’s shirt

“Shittykawa… I just…”

“I know… but there’s nothing to help. I couldn’t even tell you… just… don’t leave me.”

These were the moments between the pair no one saw. The ones Iwaizumi secretly savored. The moments he stole. The very blunt secret he had held deep inside him. 

He loved Tooru Oikawa 

He had since they were kids. He had never bothered dating because he knew he wouldn’t be able to with Oikawa around. He would always think of him instead. 

He also knew… he didn’t stand a chance. 

  
  


—————

  
  


Oikawa wouldn’t realize the mistake till the morning. 

He figured the party was a great way to try something new. A new form of control that wasn’t starving and overeating. He also kept trying to talk himself away from… other methods. 

So when the party was mentioned Oikawa’s mental checklist ticked. There was something on the list he could try. He had always limited himself before because he was an athlete and he didn’t want anything on his record. 

Now he just wanted control over his mind again

And it worked… just a bit too well

Oikawa giggled as he slumped against Iwaizumi slightly with a cup in his hand. He wasn’t drunk. He was absolutely shit faced. 

“Shittykawa what the hell,” Iwaizumi grumbled in his ear earning a shiver

The thing Oikawa seemed to realize was it was working. That’s all that mattered. The alcohol silenced his thoughts. He knew they weren’t a choir of voices dragging him below to self-destruct. Just simply his negative thoughts being loud and out of control. 

But the alcohol silenced them better than the eating control did

He liked it

“Come on Iwa-Chan! Let’s play or something,” Oikawa purred into Iwaizumi’s ear

The pink flush went completely unnoticed by Oikawa as Iwaizumi scowled. 

“How am I supposed to take you home after this? You are a mess. Right now. You never do this. You need to cool down before we go home. No more,” Iwaizumi took the cup away from a now pouting Oikawa 

“Aww no fun Iwa-Chan!”

Oikawa slumped off Iwaizumi’s arm and wobbled away. He really needed to pee. There was already a line at the bottom bathroom. He would have to try upstairs. 

He was surprised originally by the amount of people. The whole volleyball team was there but those outside the team as well. Mainly fan girls and their friends who heard about it. Wasn’t too surprising though it happened all the time. 

He eventually stumbled into one after waiting for a drunk girl and her friend to basically fall out of it. The girls giggled and waved as they bumped together over and over trying to walk down the hall. 

He even managed to pee and wash his hands without a disaster unfolding. Which felt like a huge victory for the moment. Only to quickly end. 

He bumped into someone in the hall. Both of them tumbled to the ground awkwardly. Oikawa felt like he was moving at sloth’s speed as he detangled himself from the situation and leaned up against the wall. 

“Sorry sorry. Wasn’t looking,” he slurred slightly trying to blink and focus

“Oh it’s you! Sorry! Just a big fan is all!”

She sounded cute

She sounded nice...

Maybe that’s why he went with her. Followed her back down. Allowed himself another glass she had generously poured as an apology. There was a limit however to what someone could take. 

He didn’t even remember getting there. He didn’t remember how. Apparently there was a basement level with a few rooms that were mostly free of people. That was the ‘ideal’ place. 

Even if he had said no. 

He said no… right? 

He thought he did… several times. Even looked for Iwaizumi before heading down. Maybe he was wrong… maybe he gave the wrong idea. Maybe it was his fault after all…

He still didn’t understand what had happened. Still too drunk to function properly. He just knew he wasn’t safe anymore. He needed to be. He needed to be cleaned. 

He didn’t look for Iwaizumi this round as he stumbled out the front door. He just wanted to leave now. Something wasn’t right… but he wasn’t really sure what just happened… or if it had happened at all. 

  
  


—————

  
  


It was getting a bit too late. Iwaizumi has noted it had been some time since he had seen Oikawa. He left the group from the couch and began his search. Upstairs, downstairs, the garden, the main floor, but no sight. 

“Where the hell did you go Shittykawa?” He muttered to himself

“Oh you looking for Tooru? He ducked out the front door like twenty minutes ago.”

Iwaizumi turned to the guy who was leaning against the wall with a cigarette limp between his fingers. What gave him the right to use Oikawa’s given name? Iwaizumi bowed slightly, giving thanks anyway and turned to the door. 

“Yeah I would hurry if I were you. He didn’t look so good.”

Iwaizumi froze turning back

“What does that mean?”

“It just looks like he got roughed up a bit man. I don’t know. He seemed in a hurry so I let it be.”

Iwaizumi frowned, opening his phone, pressing the call button, jogging out the door praying for an answer. 

“Answer me Tooru. Please.”

Voicemail 

  
  


—————

  
  


Iwaizumi prayed his instincts were correct. That Oikawa was drunk enough to only let his feet guide him and he did not overthink it. He should have just left earlier when he was tipsy. He could have taken him home like that. The Oikawa’s would have simply chuckled at their son and before giving him a bit of a talking to with humor of course. They would have understood. 

They would be less forgiving if Iwaizumi freaking lost their son in the middle of the night. Probably less so if the drunken idiot got hit by a car or something as he stumbled around the road. 

And as selfish as it was he couldn’t lose the Oikawas

Yes he loved Tooru. That’s something he came to know over time. He loved him in a way he had never felt before. The rest of his family too have off a whole different feeling. Something his own wasn’t familiar with. 

Love. Comfort. Safety.

Iwaizumi’s parents were just… different. They did their best under the circumstances. They had dated in high school and when his mother found out she was pregnant they married to prevent the baby from being born out of wedlock. Only… that was really the only reason they married. 

The relationship had grown rocky around the time. They talked about splitting up. Then the pregnancy test was positive and shifted the whole plan. They had really tried to for the sake of their son. Things weren’t really bad either. Both sweet in their own way but the parenting together was tragic. 

They had even talked about having another kid after a while. Like that would fix things. His mother unfortunately suffered from infertility and after two miscarriages they stopped. Unable to deal with more strain on themselves. The relationship only grew worse from there. That’s when the affairs and fights really began. 

It was a totally different universe in the Oikawa household. 

Tooru’s parents had met in college. Married after graduating and had his sister after a year. Then eight years later little Tooru. Their relationship seemed like a movie. So easy and loving. Iwaizumi has always been jealous about it. 

It had even surprised Iwaizumi when Oikawa’s sister came home the first year of college announcing she was pregnant and there was no baby daddy to mention yet she was still welcomed so warmly. So supportive of her choice and so quick to help. Even Tooru doted on the kid any chance he could. 

Eventually however Iwaizumi learned not to be jealous because they basically made him family too. Every holiday or family event he was always invited. He knew the family even better than his own grandparents. 

Which is why he really prayed his Oikawa instincts were correct. He was hoping he was safe in the same park they were always at as kids. Where they met. Where he gained a real family. Where so many moments were spent. 

He loved Oikawa more than anything. He couldn’t risk losing him let alone the family that had been so kind bringing him in as well. Confessing a love for Oikawa… would literally cost him everything. 

Iwaizumi called again. Listening. Hoping the silly alien ringtone would sound in the park. He was currently by the swings but he knew Oikawa could very well be on the other side. 

“Yeah.”

Iwaizumi blinked rapidly as Oikawa’s cracked voice answered the phone. His instincts scream to yell at him for making him worry. The roughness of the voice halted the words however. 

“Hey hey Tooru, where could I find you right now?” Iwaizumi kept looking around farther from the swings hoping he was lucky 

“Iwa-Chan… did I mess up?”

“I don’t think so but I don’t know where you are to help.”

“Oh.”

Oikawa was silent on the other end for several moments. Iwaizumi stuck staring at the phone hoping his friend hadn’t forgotten he was talking. 

“Do you remember the tree I fell from trying to catch that beetle for you?”

Bingo, Iwaizumi knew exactly where it was. They had even marked their names and the date it happened years later as a reminder. It was on the edge of the park. 

“Yeah I remember,” he quickly turned jogging for it

“Good good,” Oikawa muttered softly letting silence carry through again

Iwaizumi reaches him only minutes later. Oikawa still clutching the phone to his ear. He was laid out in his back staring blankly at the stars. He really did look like a mess. Light bruises around his jaw, lipstick, his hair a mess, but his eyes didn’t hold the gleam they normally did after a hookup. No, they were clouded and lost. 

“Tooru,” Iwaizumi whispered dropping besides him

“Oh,” Oikawa whispered hanging up the phone not looking at Iwaizumi yet

His breath was steady. Gaze lost in the constellations. 

Iwaizumi was really trying to keep his nerves and frustrations under wraps. He didn’t think Oikawa would handle his normal insults at the moment. Though he honestly was clueless what to do. 

“Oikawa… are you alright?”

Oikawa blinked long and slow several times like his drunken brain was still sorting the words

“No… but it’s alright.”

  
  


—————

  
  


Iwaizumi managed to get the pair of them back to the Oikawa residence safely. Managed to get them there without being spotted and even quietly. He would have thought Oikawa was going to be a chatty and loud drunk. He was mildly surprised that Oikawa quietly followed without a fight.

They couldn’t risk running a bath without being caught so they simply stripped and headed to bed. Iwaizumi wanted to make snide comments about Oikawa always needing care or being a carless idiot.

But something was off

Oikawa flinched any time Iwaizumi reached for him. Give him a small sorry smile once he realized who it was. The thing was even drunk he should know… he should know who’s taking care of him. 

They crawled into bed together. Iwaizumi simply did not want to fight to get the futon out. Oikawa curled away from Iwaizumi and seemed to drift into a restless sleep. 

It just all felt wrong…

Something must have happened… but what.

Iwaizumi struggled to sleep that night. His mind too full of whats and its. Then Oikawa’s restlessness in his sleep. Shifting and turning but flinching when he came in contact with Iwaizumi. 

Part of Iwaizumi just wanted to roll over and take Oikawa to his chest in the hopes of settling both of them. That whatever was clouding their minds would fade if they did so. Sleeping wrapped with each other wasn’t a new thing. Normally Oikawa was the one to initiate it because he always just knew when.

And now seemed like a bad time… at least from what Iwaizumi gathered

Eventually Iwaizumi let sleep take him under. Worry leaking into his dreams filled with something he couldn’t mark. Something he couldn't touch. Something.. something...

_ Just protect him _

Iwaizumi was startled awake when a hand touched his shoulder. The hand quickly removed itself to spare itself from any harm. It took several moments for Iwaizumi to realize that it was Oikawa’s hand that had retreated with such haste as if he had been burned.

“Sorry Iwa-Chan. Didn’t mean to spook you. It’s a bit past noon. I know you brought us back late I’m sorry but my mom left us some food before she and dad went to the store. Figured I would offer before it got cold on you,” Oikawa whispered offering a small smile to his friend

“Sorry it’s fine thank you. Just spooked me out of a bad dream is all,” Iwaizumi yawned rubbing his face

“Oh sorry… do you want to talk about it?” Oikawa asked gently running a hand through Iwaizumi’s mess of hair 

Iwaizumi tried hard to fight the blush that wanted to crawl over his face at the gesture. Such a gentle and small thing really sent Iwaizumi’s heart into a panic. He hated it. He hated that he loved Oikawa the way he did. Why couldn’t it be simple?

“No I’m good… It didn’t make sense anyway,” Iwaizumi hesitated before glancing up at Oikawa, “Do you want to talk about last night?”

Oikawa smiled slightly patting Iwaizumi’s head moving back towards the door.

“You might want to hurry before breakfast gets cold.”

  
  


——————

Oikawa was back. The happy, easy going, snarky, guy that annoyed Iwaizumi to death. After that night of drinking Oikawa felt light. The voice in his head had finally shut up. Finally taken a nap.

Oikawa felt excited. There was a new way to shut them up that didn’t involve him being disgusted with everything he ate. If it took one night of blurry thoughts and blank memories to get rid of them he would gladly do it again.

“Iwa-Chan,” Oikawa sang as he slung an arm over Iwaizumi as they entered the school, “Let’s go to the city gym and play a bit after school. Get the other third years as well seeing we aren’t playing with the team anymore.”

Iwaizumi lifted an eyebrow but nodded. LIkely thrown off by how Oikawa suddenly seemed better again. He couldn’t sense dark clouds or storms anymore. Maybe he had imagined the whole thing anyway.

“Great! I’ll tell the others!” Oikawa changed to his school shoes and greeted the herd of girls who always waited for him 

Oikawa really couldn’t be more pleased. He hadn’t felt this light since that final game. He couldn’t even find an inch of darkness in his brain. 

It was so dang refreshing

Maybe it will last

If only it could

Maybe…

Maybe if Oikawa hadn’t gotten his hopes up he would have been prepared.

Because two weeks later his demons were back

Mocking

Cruel

Sadistic

_ You suddenly think you are worthy? That you are worth something to someone. To yourself? What a joke. You only deserve your suffering.  _

What had set it off?

What?

What had triggered it this time?

Why was his own brain so cruel to him?

Why the hell couldn’t he control his own thoughts?

_ Worthless _

At least… there was another party this weekend… to buy him more time

——————

Iwaizumi frowned at his phone. It was Saturday evening. He hadn’t heard from Oikawa since Friday. He had expected them to hang out this weekend like they always do. 

But silence 

Iwaizumi scrolled through a few social media apps wondering if Oikawa had posted anywhere. Nothing new though.

Iwaizumi let his arm flop to the side with a sigh. His pride started to shrink as he thought about just texting the boy. Surely if Oikawa had plans he would have known. Be it a date or something. He would have known. He always knows. 

Because Oikawa always told him

Iwaizumi groaned, rubbing his hands over his face. He was so done with it. He really hated that he fell in love with his best friend. He hated how it exhausted him. He hated the constant worry. He hated the constant fear. He hated that he could never say anything about it. 

He hated that he loved Oikawa

He hated that he knew he couldn’t just stop loving him

He hated that he didn’t even want to stop

Just dragging his heart behind him. Letting it hit every nail, twig, and bit of dirt that he drug it through just to keep it quiet. It still sped up and did that stupid thing every time Oikawa did the tiniest thing. 

He wish he could have loved anyone else

But he also didn’t want anyone but Oikawa

He was drawn from his thoughts as his phone buzzed. He blinked several times staring at the time. Had he fallen asleep? It was almost midnight. Why was Makki calling him?

“Yeah?” Iwaizumi cleared his throat sitting up

“Can you come get Oikawa? He’s… well”

He was cut off as he heard a loud crash and Makki cuss. Makki shouted in the distance and there was scrambling and giggling. He returned a bit out of breath.

“Freaking Yahaba and Oikawa are being too damn chaotic. I didn’t even know they were like this when they drink. Hell I didn’t even know they drank together. The hell is going on.”

There was another loud noise and Makki sighed. Iwaizumi could sense him pinching his nose in frustration.

“Where is he? He didn’t tell me he was going out tonight?” Iwaizumi already standing putting on pants

“I don’t even think he knew where he was going. We were just on a jog and these two were drinking near the school. I drug them to my place but my parents will be here soon. Mattsun is trying to get Yahaba to settle now but Oikawa stirs them back up.”

“I can be there in 15 minutes,” Iwaizumi said already out the door 

  
  


——————

  
  


It was actually 17 minutes 

Iwaizumi walked up to the door with his hands buried in his pockets. Before he could even pull them out he heard a crash against the door. A string of giggles then a desperate twist of the doorknob. 

It remained shut however 

“Stop escaping. It’s locked. Seriously go lay down or something.”

There were muffled complaints but a body could be heard slowly dragging away from the door. 

Iwaizumi paused a bit longer wondering if he really wanted to get into this mess. 

He had already said he would come though. Couldn’t really back out now. 

He huffed and rang the bell hearing scurrying again. This time a very annoyed looking Mattsun. Hair in a fray. A weird stain on the front of his shirt. 

“Well you look like you had fun.”

“Shut up and come get him.”

“He’s not bad when drunk.”

“Maybe for you but I almost threw him in the trash tonight. I wasn’t even planning on babysitting. They just appeared!”

Iwaizumi sighed as Mattsun led him in. Leading him to the living room where Oikawa was being sat on by Makki. If it had been a different situation the sight would have been funny. 

But things just didn’t make sense 

Oikawa, as much of a pain in the ass he was, had a good head on him. He was responsible. Kept himself out of trouble. He wasn’t one to drink himself into a stupor. 

So why now?

“Iwa-Chan!”

Oikawa scrambled in the attempt to push off Makki. Makki simply sighed looking at the struggling boy finally flop still giving Iwaizumi the biggest pout. 

“Let’s go. Behave.”

Makki slowly sat up and Oikawa leapt forward. He latched onto Iwaizumi’s arm turning and sticking his tongue out at Makki who promptly flipped him off. 

Iwaizumi refused the reaction to rub his face simply using the hand to latch onto Oikawa dragging him out of the house. Iwaizumi apologized to the two others as he dragged him out. Though there really is no need to apologize. Oikawa wasn’t his responsibility. 

“Iwa where are we going?” Oikawa almost sang still attached to Iwaizumi’s arm

“Home.”

“That’s no fun. I went out to have fun. I need fun Iwa.”

“So getting drunk is now fun? And what’s with the Iwa all of a sudden?” Iwaizumi tried to adjust his grip on Oikawa who swayed with every sluggish step

Oikawa frowned before groaning and throwing back his head. 

“You wouldn’t understand Iwa-Chan. I’m mean to myself. I have to shut myself up. The alcohol helps with that.”

“I think it makes you more obnoxious.”

Oikawa made a choking sound and glares at Iwaizumi. 

“Mean Iwa-Chan!” 

The conversation ended but Oikawa kept humming. Swaying against Iwaizumi occasionally stumbling leaning more and more on Iwaizumi’s shoulder. Iwaizumi felt Oikawa’s hot breath against his neck and the stench of whatever he had drunk. 

Oikawa suddenly straightened and stopped. Pulling away from Iwaizumi and throwing himself off the sidewalk. Before Iwaizumi could curse at him and pull him back the gagging sound filled the air freezing him in place. 

Iwaizumi crouched besides Oikawa settling a hand in his back as Oikawa got rid of the contents of his stomach. 

Iwaizumi felt such anger and disgust rise through him. Why was he doing this to himself? Why was he destroying himself like this? Did he not care anymore? Was he done? Was he giving up?

Iwaizumi barely caught Oikawa who slumped against him almost to the ground. 

“I overdid it.”

“No shit Shittykawa.”

“Maybe I should go home.”

“Come on then. I’ll take you home.”

  
  


—————

  
  


The next morning Oikawa acted like nothing had happened. 

Which only pissed off Iwaizumi more but he wasn’t in the best position to question him at the moment. People were home and he knew if he did finally get Oikawa to spill, likely shouting would ensue. So he couldn’t do it now obviously. That was his logic anyway.

So he tried to corner him the next day and failed. 

Then the next… and next… and next…

But Oikawa was sneaky when he felt like it and unfortunately not as dumb as he always came off to be

He was sly enough to avoid being left alone with Iwaizumi. Claimed to be busy that weekend so he would be over. Iwaizumi did find out he was looking after his nephew but that was something that had done together enough times anyway. Why he suddenly had to do it alone wasn’t logical. 

So why was he avoiding Iwaizumi?

  
  


——————

  
  


Oikawa would have thought the answer was obvious. To avoid being yelled at. To avoid the shame. To avoid being asked what was wrong. 

The list goes on and on. 

But the key was definitely to avoid Iwaizumi’s rage that he was sure was slowly building. 

How could he explain it anyway? Especially when he couldn’t even explain it to himself. 

He knew these few things:

It wasn’t voices in his brain. It was his actual thought process. 

The dark thoughts would come and go. There would be times they were constant. Bearing down shoving themselves into every section of his brain. Other times they would dissolve and leave him be. 

It first started happening in middle school. So minor he didn’t even realize what it was. Then high school was when it went bad. That was when he almost killed himself. If it hadn’t been for Iwaizumi simply calling over a homework question. 

After that he learned to control them with food. Well lack thereof. The less he ate the less dark thoughts in his brain. 

The newest discovery was alcohol. It filled his brain. Kept him from thinking. Guilt would hover over him for a few days but it was better than the dark thoughts that seeped into his brain. 

When the thoughts came back he would just go for another round. 

He couldn’t answer why though and he knew Iwaizumi would ask. If the roles had been reversed he would have asked. 

Why would he have these thoughts?

Why were these the only horrible ways to get them to shut up?

Why can’t he say anything to anyone?

Why? Why? Why?

Oikawa’s fists were pressed to his eyes as he heard his phone go off again. It was Iwaizumi’s tone. 

Oikawa let it go to voicemail again. It was Friday again and he was again trying to find a way to avoid Iwaizumi for the weekend. The phone sounded off again only this time as a text. 

Oikawa sighed removing his hands and looking over to it

**No lecture I just need over**

His parents must be fighting again. 

Oikawa felt even more guilty. While avoiding Iwaizumi he briefly forgot Iwaizumi had his own darkness he’s trying to run from. 

Oikawa sent Iwaizumi a quick text inviting him over. Flinging the phone back across the bed praying Iwaizumi would stay true. That he wouldn’t press it. 

He couldn’t tell anyone. 

Not yet

He couldn’t burden anyone

He especially couldn’t burden his family

He couldn’t burden Iwaizumi 

It was better just to suffer through it alone

True to his words Iwaizumi did not give him a lecture. Instead he pulled out the futon and simply laid there on his phone in silence. 

They hardly used the futon. Ever since they were kids Oikawa always liked curling up next to Iwaizumi. Originally just for the fact that he enjoyed cuddling despite Iwaizumi’s many protests. As they aged their parents started the suggestion of the futon. So they would use it… sparingly

Oikawa quietly found ways to sneak down when he was younger seeking out warmth and comfort. As he aged more and realized that his feelings for Iwaizumi were not normal feelings but ones coated with a different type of love he would selfishly use it for his own desires. Pretending for just those moments it was alright, they could be together, just for those moments.

What little selfish acts they felt like

But oh how they helped

But what now…

Now when they were treading on a different territory. This wasn’t their normal. Sure there were times they fought. Oh they could fight for days on end but they were always together at the end of the day. It was alright they were still friends… but what was this?

Oikawa evading every possible moment where Iwaizumi could jump him and question him. Evading the idea of Iwaizumi knowing just how wrecked he was. Evading the potential of letting Iwaizumi know just how worthless and shitty his best friend was. How true Iwaizumi’s words were. 

How true… how worthless he really was. 

What good was he to Iwaizumi anyway?

Currently quiet on the futon. Needing a break from his own hell. His home was a constant battleground and Oikawa was furious he couldn’t do more. Though he was sure if he offered anything Iwaizumi would accept it. What could he offer anyway when he couldn’t even keep his own brain sane?

“Do you ever wish…” Oikawa let his voice drop off

_ Wish what? What are you getting bold to say little one? _

Of course his brain would wake now. Iwaizumi glanced over at Oikawa laying on the bed facing up seeming to connect the glow in the dark stars that still stuck to his ceiling from when they were kids.

“Do you ever wish… everything would just… stop?”

_ How dark of you. You are going to make him worry. Is that what you want? For him to worry? For him to realize how useless and shitty you really are? That you tried to starve yourself as punishment. To make yourself better only to fail? That now you drink yourself stupid to keep the dark part of your brain silent? Only to fail then too… how dark of you… want to tell him of how you almost ended it? How you still think about it because you aren’t worth staying around are you? There is always someone better. You are just taking up space anyway. Waste of space and time really. He would be better off without you. They all would. Everything would be easier for them. Their lives would be better… but you just ruin everything. _

“I wish they would just divoice and get over it already yeah…”   
  


_ Oh how sweet and innocent he doesn’t understand what you meant. He doesn’t know how messed up you are _

Oikawa could hear the plunk of the first few tears roll from the corner of his eyes and onto the bed. Each plunk a bit softer than the last as the pillow dampened with his tears. 

Why did his heart hurt so much? Why couldn’t he control his thoughts? Why couldn’t he just stop all of it? For once… 

“Do you?” Iwaizumi paused, opening his phone again, “Wish for it all to stop? Whatever you are going through that you are keeping away from me?”

_ Tell him _

_ Tell him how twisted you are _

_ How you want to end it all _

“Every damn day.”

  
  


———————

  
  


The weird rift that Oikawa has built over the past week or so seemed to have melted. Iwaizumi stayed with the Oikawas through the whole weekend. Returning to school on Monday with Oikawa with the idea of finally going back home after school. 

It could be that they just both finally decided to pretend the weekend before just didn’t happen. Oikawa wasn’t drinking himself dumb in the middle of the street. Nope never happened. 

So life went on

And the dark clouds kept coming

Oikawa felt like he was secretly suffocating and no one was aware. No one could help. They would just be confused. Suffocating on what? 

Oikawa put his favorite mask on. The one where he would laugh and flirt with his little fans. Where he would go for runs even when his knee and lungs complained. He would eat only half the muffin instead of the full thing. Trying to force feed Iwaizumi the rest complaining the boy hadn’t eaten enough breakfast. 

All the while Oikawa trying to keep his brain calm and quiet. Giving it something to work out. He knew it wasn’t voiced like he originally feared when he was younger. It was his own internal conflict. When he learned some people could just think without words or pictures it freaked him out. That maybe he really wasn’t normal. It started a whole debate at the middle school lunch table over it because Oikawa could very clearly see the dark cruel words etched across his brain just like any normal internal dialogue. 

That’s when he realized what was really happening. He was normal by all accounts just… wild depressed be the word? Sadistic? Evil?

He couldn’t tell. He just knew he couldn’t burden the others with it. He must move forward. Which he has failed at repeatedly. 

Which is why this weekend interested him. 

“You are not going to another party. Remember what happened last time?” Iwaizumi said that Friday as they prepared to walk home 

“Sorta. I remember most of it at least,” Oikawa said shouldering his bag

It was the truth. There were some parts he couldn’t make out properly. There was one thing his brain was still trying to remember. He had kissed someone… some girl. He thinks… he… he couldn’t remember much from it. Who it was or what… but he had missed something after. Something that caused him to run out to the park and leave the party…

What couldn’t he remember?

“What’s with you and all these parties anyway? You never used to drink or hardly go?” Iwaizumi dangling bait in front of Oikawa hoping he would take it

Oikawa simply shrugged as they stepped out into the chill afternoon, “Last bit it’s normal fun I guess of being a high schooler right? We were so focused on volleyball we hardly ever went so might as well a few times before I leave to do volleyball elsewhere right?”

That topic again. They hadn’t really kept up the conversation of where they were going next. Sure the option to stay in Japan was there. To go to Tokyo and stay friends if not even roommates was a very possible option. 

But Oikawa was exhausted… he wondered where else in the world he could go. The beaches of Argentina always popped up in his mind. Even if it meant leaving Iwaizumi the man he loved but could never confess. 

“Are you really convinced you are going to leave Japan?” Iwaizumi asked

Oikawa kicked a stray rock off the sidewalk, keeping his eyes dragging the ground, “I… I think I need to.”

Iwaizumi was silent the rest of the walk home till they split. Oikawa wasn’t exactly surprised not to hear from him the rest of the day. He didn’t really expect to. The rift may have melted but there was still that taste of hesitation in the air. Like if they step wrong they may be swallowed up and devoured. 

So Oikawa was definitely surprised when his mother let Iwaizumi in just as he was changing to 

leave for the party Saturday evening. 

“So what you didn’t want me to come even though you are going?” Oikawa asked buttoning up his blue shirt

“I’m babysitting you.”

“I don’t need a babysitter Iwa-Chan.”

“I disagree,” he huffed leaning against the doorframe

So they walked to the bus stop and took the trip together to a house closer to the city. College party apparently the guy was home from school for a bit and was in a class above them. His parents were gone for the weekend leaving it a perfect opportunity for him to invite his old school mates and new ones. 

Oikawa just wanted to numb his brain. He just wanted to relax just for a bit. They were greeted with the option once the door opened. Poppy music weaved its way through the house. Baby adults roaming with weird concoctions. Someone had set up a dancing game in the main room. 

Honestly Oikawa thought it felt more like one of those cheesy coming of age American movies. Did those parties really even exist?

“Oikawa!” There was a squeal and a girl leaped onto him 

Both boys startled but Oikawa quick to secure the girl from falling flat on her face as she half heartedly looped her arms around his neck forcing him to keep a grip on her waist. 

“Happy to see you again! Come find me later alright!” She pressed a kiss on his cheek and slid down before skipping off again

Oikawa blinked the confused look away from his face turning to Iwaizumi who seemed to be giving him a disgusted look, “You two seemed to have had fun.”

“I don’t even know her,” Oikawa whined

Iwaizumi snorted, “Seriously Shittykawa, Can’t even remember your hookups now?”

“I seriously have never seen her before let alone slept with her,” he hissed storming time the table

His fingers carefully selected his poison letting it fall into the cup with such a satisfying whoosh. He smirked to himself as the dark clouds already seemed to give way. The first sip stung his mouth and burned his throat. His face finally relaxed as he sighed. 

Such relief. Once it kicked in it would be a blessing. 

Iwaizumi simply grunted looking away from Oikawa taking the safer bet of an unopened can drink by the looks of it. Something too frizzy for Oikawa even when he was drunk. 

Oikawa didn’t even get to take the second sip when another girl teleported to them. This time for Iwaizumi. 

This wasn’t exactly uncommon for the pair of them though Oikawa often bragged he got the most. It really was fairly even. Though Oikawa always teased his girls. Stringing them along with the potential rarely actually dating. Iwaizumi on the other hand was blunt with it all. Honestly Oikawa couldn’t remember Iwaizumi ever having a girlfriend. 

It wasn’t uncommon though. The excuse they used often contained a lack of time or volleyball. Sometimes glancing over that so and so what’s their type or she was just annoying. 

But Iwaizumi was polite

He listened to the girls nodding occasionally. Sipping from his drink placing a few carefully planned comments here and there. The girls almost draped over him as they spoke. 

Oikawa could feel his annoyance and jealousy grow each second. He closes his eyes, tipping back the rest of his drink, moving to refill it. He could feel Iwaizumi follow him out of the corner of his eye. Oikawa gave a slight nod just in case before opting to move deeper into the house, placing space between Iwaizumi and his flirting girls.

Oikawa did what he did best in any situation. Played his fake confidence card. He moved around with others. Chatting and drinking draining away the dark clouds and time that he was confined in. 

It was just enough. Just enough where he stumbled into a new seat. Just enough where the music vibrates through his bones and legs shook slightly from exhaustion after dancing with some girl. 

“Is this spot taken?”

Oikawa tilted his head back as he sipped on yet another new drink that was poured for him early. He waved his hand as an offer to the seat beside him. Obviously open and ready for the next contestant. 

The guy gave a slight nod in return. Resting and tilting back his own cup. Arm resting lazily on his knee as he scanned the scene in front of him. A mix of teen and young adults swaying drunkenly to a mix of music being played from a phone. Not worried about the morning to come. 

“Not sure I know you?” The guy started looking over at Oikawa 

“Tooru Oikawa,” Oikawa offered his cup 

The other guy smirked and lightly bounced his own cup into Oikawa’s

“Yuki Sadow.”

  
  


———————

  
  


The pair chatted as they nursed their drinks. Oikawa learned that Sadow was in his second year of University and had played tennis while in high school. 

“Isn’t volleyball more of a girl sport though?” Sadow asked earning an eye roll from Oikawa 

“People think of spandex and girls in bikinis when it comes to volleyball. If they actually sat back and watched they would be much more fascinated.”

“Well I wouldn’t watch it for the girls anyway,” Sadow rolled his eyes earning a small snort from Oikawa

“What did I read wrong?” Sadow asked

Oikawa tilted his head back shrugging slightly, “Not really.”

“It’s complicated?”

“It’s complicated,” Oikawa confirmed

Oikawa tilted back the remainder of his drink with a sigh. His skin felt too smooth. His body felt unbreakable. His head swam in a pool of golden sunlight as the world around him moved faster than he could keep up. It was relaxing letting the alcohol take over. Letting it flood his veins and control his actions. Letting it play puppet master giving him a break. 

“Though you know it’s not exactly a polite thing to state,” Oikawa continued setting his cup on the table besides him

“Sorry. I may be Japanese but I spent too much time in America,” Sadow admitted 

“Is that a bad thing?” Oikawa asked tilting his head back to look at Sadow

Sadow shrugged, finishing his drink, setting it on the table as well, “Just culture shock really. I forget mannerisms too easily.”

Oikawa hummed looking back out to the floor. Just past the bodies dancing in the center he spotted Iwaizumi. Iwaizumi casually talking to a guy from their school. Not someone Oikawa could remember off the top of his head. Maybe they shared a class or something. 

“No more dancing?” Oikawa asked Sadow who was also looking out on the floor

“Maybe later. I'm a bit too drunk right now.”

“Isn’t that the best time to dance,” Oikawa smirked 

Sadow gifted him with a smirk of his own. It was really the first time Oikawa studied the guy who was besides him. Dark hair and dark eyes tanned and fit. He reminded him of someone else deep in the back of his mind. The old hunger that could never be satisfied grumbled from somewhere in his soul. 

Maybe Sadow saw a flint of the hunger in Oikawa’s eyes because his smirk shifted to a slightly different tone. 

“There are many other fun things to do when you are drunk,” Sadow teased

“Would you care to enlighten me?” Oikawa teased tilting forward in his chair 

This was a dangerous game to play. Their chairs were already close enough but Sadow had no issues scooting a smidge closer. He tilted his head slightly closer, brushing noses with Oikawa. 

This was a dangerous game. Someone could see. 

But Oikawa was simply too drunk to care

Too drunk and hung up on someone he couldn’t have. His thoughts… those stupid dark haunting thoughts that trapped him and forced him to behave were currently silent thanks to the alcohol. 

Oikawa tilted his head up that final bit and soon felt himself pressed against chapped lips. Sadow pushing forward, licking Oikawa’s bottom lip asking for more. 

And Oikawa was willing to give so much more

However what little oxygen he was already fighting with was suddenly forced out of him as something pulled him back. The collar of his shirt digging into his throat forcing an odd sound out of him. He blinked and saw Sadow had also been pushed back by the looks of it. A scowl as he stood up to face whoever interrupted them. 

“We are going home. Now,” Iwaizumi’s voice held something Oikawa couldn’t place

“Iwa-Chan what the hell!” Oikawa tried to free himself from Iwaizumi’s grip

Iwaizumi simply moved his hand from Oikawa’s collar to his arm forcing him to stand and basically dragged him out the door. 

“Iwa-Chan stop. What the hell! What’s wrong?”

Iwaizumi finally let go once they were about a block from the house. Shoving his hands in his pockets kicking at Oikawa’s shoes to keep him walking. 

“Since when do you go around kissing people like that? Seriously Shittykawa you are going to get into trouble if you aren’t careful… and since…” Iwaizumi chopped off the last question letting his eyes look toward the sky

Clouds covering the stars and moon not giving him much to look at unfortunately. He sighed, kicking Oikawa again to keep him walking as the drunk stumbled each time trying to keep his balance. 

“Seriously Iwa-Chan stop! Is it just because I kissed a guy? Didn’t peg you for the type for being the judgmental type over stuff like that.”

“It’s not that Oikawa,” Iwaizumi’s voice was soaked with such a venom Oikawa couldn’t understand 

Was he mad he had seen Oikawa kissing a guy? Was he mad because he thought Oikawa was being irresponsible? Was he mad because he just thought Oikawa was too drunk? Why was he mad? Oikawa couldn’t piece it together. 

“Well I hope it’s not that or did you forget you were my first kiss?”

Iwaizumi stopped as Oikawa lightly swayed in front of him. Oikawa in that slight dopey head tilt as he blinked slowly at Iwaizumi as if trying to let his body and brain catch up. Giving Iwaizumi the time to recall. Recall something from so deep and locked into his deep memory chest.

“You counted that as a kiss?” Iwaizumi asked, “We were like seven.”

Oikawa waved a finger in front of Iwaizumi a slight smile as he slowly moved the finger to Iwaizumi’s nose, tapping it slightly before spinning on his heel. He almost lost his balance but managed to stumble slightly sideways with a giggle.

“Of course I do Iwa-chan. It counted for sure and we were definitely eight you jerk.”

Iwaizumi snorted watch his friend glide across the sidewalk in a silly drunken state 

“So what is the problem with it Iwa-Chan?”

Iwaizumi huffed kicking the back of Oikawa’s shoe pointing him back in the right direction, “It is the kissing strangers Oikawa and the drinking. All of this. I don’t understand why you are doing it all. Maybe I never will but I am starting to freak out with the little self destruction thing you are doing. It is starting to scare me and I don’t know how to fix it.”

The sudden blunt confession surprised even himself. He hadn’t meant to but with Oikawa sometimes he could feel himself slip. Oh so slightly even when he thinks he has all the control he needs. With Oikawa, control seemed like such a silly thing to fight. He would know he had done his best to control him but Oikawa was so elusive in his ways even if he never meant it.

Oikawa seemed to freeze in place. Head tilted back facing up at the sky. 

“You would think it was stupid… It doesn’t make sense even to me,” Oikawa whispered

“What do you mean it doesn’t make sense?”

Oikawa didn’t move. Iwaizumi took a few steps closer to Oikawa looking up slightly to see if he could get a read. A hint. Anything.

He hated this. Not knowing what was going on. Oikawa closed off. He had done stuff like this before but he always came back on his own. He was never gone this long from him. 

He wasn’t a complete idiot. He knew whatever Oikawa was trying to manage whatever he was dealing with. He was trying like he had done last time. Food was first. It was always the first thing that Oikawa attempted to over control that wasn’t his actual training practices. Often because he couldn’t train at the moment. Most of the time he would withhold food. Drop a few pounds. Most of the time not enough to worry but this was now the second time Iwaizumi was truly worried. 

The last time they were pretty young. Iwaizumi was afraid to say anything then too. Oikawa had really been hurt that time. It was the first time he had hurt his knee by overdoing it. Iwaizumi had been the one to carry him home. When his parents brought him back from the doctors Oikawa didn’t leave his room for a whole week. Iwaizumi being the one again to drag him out. 

But he didn’t eat

At least he would pretend to most of the time. Moving things around to make it look like he took bites. Stuffing things in his pockets. Over eating only for Iwaizumi to hear him throw it back up later on. 

It scared him… but he didn’t know what to do.

Then even when he could go back to training he would keep up with the on and off food thing. Adding the training to it, Oikawa often fell apart at the seams. It hurt. It hurt watching his friend crumble and suffer. Iwaizumi offers a hand only for Oikawa to wave him away saying it's fine.

Iwaizumi never understood completely what went on in Oikawa’s brain; he just knew whatever it was wasn’t fine. He was lying. He wouldn’t let anyone help.

He just wanted to show Oikawa that he wasn’t anyone.

He wasn't just anyone because Iwaizumi was his best friend.

He wasn’t just anyone because Iwaizumi loved him.

He always would

Iwaizumi craved nothing more than to be Oikawa’s everything

His only

“I don’t know what to tell you Iwa-Chan,” Oikawa finally whispered 

“The truth for once would be nice,” Iwaizumi tried 

Oikawa hummed, closing his eyes letting the moonlight bathe his face before a cloud moved forward. 

“I don’t even know the truth.”

Iwaizumi sighed. The cryptic bullshit didn’t help. 

“Well what do you know?”

Oikawa was silent again. Opening his eyes looking straight ahead down the sidewalk. Swaying slightly still with the alcohol still pumping through his veins. 

“That I’m a fuckin mess.”

“Are you though?” Iwaizumi dropped a hand to Oikawa’s elbow

Any other time Iwaizumi may have mocked him and agreed. He was a mess after all. Iwaizumi has been dealing with his bullshit for so long. 

But he needed to know

He needed to know what to do to help

He had to help

Just like all the times Oikawa has helped him

“My brain is at least. It doesn’t shut up,” Oikawa tapped his forehead, “It’s so dark up there Iwa-Chan. So… cruel.”

“Is that why you drink?” Iwaizumi felt like the wrapper was finally being peeled back a bit

Just enough for him to peek inside. Just enough for him to see and understand. Oikawa’s brain. His thoughts or what he was hearing? What would it be?

“I don’t know why but it shuts up at least when I do.”

Good good part one solved. Iwaizumi gently squeezed near Oikawa’s elbow. He wondered… could he push for more? Could he ask the scary questions? The ones that kept him up at night.

“Want to go home?” Iwaizumi asked

Oikawa hummed and nodded leaning against Iwaizumi as they began to walk. 

“I can feel your questions Iwa-Chan,” Oikawa huffed

“I’m worried for you Tooru.”

“You don’t need to. I have it under control.”

“No you don’t.”

Oikawa whined, knocking his head against Iwaizumi’s shoulder. 

“I know,” Oikawa whispered

Iwaizumi looked up noting that they were almost at the station. Oikawa’s breath grazing his neck he tried to hide the slight shiver it sent down his spine. 

Iwaizumi smiles slightly adjusting his grip on Oikawa slightly. 

“Did you really think I was going to be mad at you for kissing a guy?”

Oikawa huffed tilting his head against Iwaizumi. The height difference couldn’t have been kind to Oikawa’s back as he slouched while walking slightly sideways to do so. 

“I don’t know Hajime. We never talked about it before.”

“So… do you like guys too or?”

Iwaizumi wanted nothing more to twist his hands and beg silently. Wanting to explain himself as much as he wanted to understand Oikawa. He needed to know where they stood. 

“Yeah. Both are fine… is that… is that ok?”

Iwaizumi glances over at Oikawa leaning on his shoulder. He guided him to a bench to wait. Oikawa moved to rest his head on the back of the bench, closing his eyes. Iwaizumi wondered just how drunk he was. If he would remember any of this anyway come morning. 

“Why wouldn’t it be ok?”

Oikawa shrugged, “We never talked about it. A lot of people… still don’t like it.”

“Does it scare you… that someone would say something about it?”

Oikawa rapped his head, “Dark cruel thoughts Iwa-Chan. They are always there. I always think.”

“Yeah I get it,” Iwaizumi mumbled tilting his head back grateful they were the only ones there 

Oikawa turned and looked over at Iwaizumi with a strange look, “You get it?”

Iwaizumi closed his eyes avoiding Oikawa’s gaze, “Maybe not what you are going through exactly. With the drinking and the food stuff but I get the thoughts… maybe. Or maybe they are different.”

“You know about the food too then,” Oikawa sighed

Iwaizumi opened an eye glancing over at Oikawa, “You're sobering up rather fast.”

“It’s cold,” Oikawa huffed leaning against Iwaizumi 

Iwaizumi lifted an arm draping it over Oikawa’s shoulders letting the other boy settle beside him. Iwaizumi is trying to ignore the heat and electricity over a simple gesture. He was trying to help Oikawa right now. His mind needed to focus. He didn’t know if he would ever have this chance again. 

“Does the food help… with the thoughts?” Iwaizumi hesitates 

Oikawa nodded against his shoulder. No words but Iwaizumi gave him a gentle squeeze. He could hear movement ahead. 

“Thank you for trusting me… and finally telling me,” Iwaizumi whispered

“Can we forget about it though… all of it. I don’t want to worry anyone. I’ve dealt with it before. I can deal with it again.”

Iwaizumi fell silent. Waiting for transport to pull in and let them load up. He quickly took Oikawa toward the back corner where once again no one was. His mind bouncing around. 

He settled in offering Oikawa the chance to nuzzle back up to him. Something he normally refused because his heart could never handle it. The teasing bit of what could be if he just said something. 

“I can’t forget Tooru. I already knew. I was already going insane. The on and off fighting we were doing because of it. I just want to help,” Iwaizumi whispered against Oikawa’s hair

Oikawa was silent the rest of the ride. When they got to their stop Iwaizumi actually had to nudge Oikawa slightly to make sure he was still awake. Iwaizumi didn’t resist as Oikawa slipped a hand in his following him off. Still occasionally taking a sloppy step by the alcohol in his system had faded fairly quickly with all the cold and travel. 

“Do you keep secrets from me too Hajime? Ones you're scared will make me change my mind about you?”

Iwaizumi’s heart clenched. 

Had it been earlier in the evening his first thought would have been that Oikawa finding out he was gay would have been right up there. Not to mention the fact he was in love with Oikawa is just another problem to add to the list of things. 

With one of those worries now gone, knowing now that Oikawa himself wasn’t exactly straight, made him relax at the idea of the first secret. 

But that second secret…

“Is that why you never told me yours? Because you thought I would think differently of you?”

“Your avoiding the question Hajime,” Oikawa said still leaning slightly on Iwaizumi as they walked 

There were a lot of random truths tonight

“Yeah… I’ve got some.”

Oikawa lifted his head off Iwaizumi to look at him a bit more. He knew what he wanted. He wanted details. 

Whether it was a drunk accident or not, Oikawa did just admit to some pretty sketchy shit. Things that Iwaizumi had been worried over for years.

“I’m fucking terrified of us… not being together after high school,” Iwaizumi whispered spotting their houses in the distance 

“You know your never getting rid of me,” Oikawa lightly squeezed Iwaizumi’s hand dropping his head back to his shoulder

_ His worries are so different than yours. Isn’t that interesting  _

“Also…”

Oikawa could feel Iwaizumi's pace ease up. A tension growing in his shoulders. Oikawa looked up again to see Iwaizumi focusing out in the distance. 

“Hajime?”

“Sorry not the time,” Iwaizumi muttered

Oikawa hummed digging in his pockets for the key. Patting himself as he came up empty handed. Iwaizumi slipped a hand in his own pocket and pulled out Oikawa’s keys. 

Oikawa huffed slightly, taking them and struggled slightly to open the door quietly. Kicking off their shoes and making the way to Oikawa’s room. 

“What do you mean not the time? It seems to be confession night. Might as well get it all out. We are going to pretend it didn’t happen in the morning,” Oikawa whispered stripping down digging through his drawers

He tossed Iwaizumi clothes before pulling out some for himself. It was too late to bath without waking up the parents. They would have to deal with it in the morning. 

“I’m not forgetting any of this Shittykawa,” Iwaizumi grumbled pulling on the new shirt

Oikawa twisted his nose, “So vulgar.”

Oikawa already diving into the covers grumbling, “My head already hurts.”

“That’s what you get for drinking,” Iwaizumi pushes him over to lay besides him

Iwaizumi rubs his hands over his face as Oikawa flips over to shut off the light by the bed. He feels Oikawa move back to face him. The moon and streetlights give just enough light for them to see each other. 

“Are you really not going to forget in the morning? I dumped a lot of crap I rather would have stayed a secret,” Oikawa whispered 

Iwaizumi adjusted to lay on his side facing Oikawa. Oikawa looking half asleep already rocking on his palm, his elbow digging into the pillow. Iwaizumi pushes some hair out of Oikawa’s face. The pale light reflected off his pale skin as Iwaizumi’s thumb lazed across it. 

“You like men and women. You have been using alcohol and food to control your brain. This isn’t the first time you’ve done it either,” Iwaizumi whispered as Oikawa’s lashes fluttered against his thumb

“The alcohol it is,” Oikawa mumbled

Iwaizumi hummed, placing his palm on Oikawa’s forehead gently rocking him back off his palm so Oikawa would lay on the pillow. 

“But you don’t want anyone to know,” Iwaizumi whispered 

“I don’t want to burden anyone,” Oikawa responded

Iwaizumi moved his elbow besides Oikawa hovering above him. Oikawa’s eyes drifted open watching as his best friend glared softly at him. Hand still resting on his hair. 

“You could never be a burden. Yeah you're a pain in the ass and high maintenanced. Even annoying and crap but never a burden.”

Iwaizumi could see the hint of tears in Oikawa’s eyes. Glanced just on the surface. Like they have been trapped for too long and they didn’t even know if they could fall anymore. 

“Don’t lie-“

“I’m not lying Tooru,” Iwaizumi pressed closer hoping to get the point across

Internally he was freaking out probably just as much as Oikawa was. Cause what the hell does he do from here anyway? Oikawa didn’t seem to want to accept help. It wasn’t like he could really force it right? He could just be there and be supportive… but he sucked at that

“Seriously, you are not a burden. I promise,” Iwaizumi let his voice drop a bit more watching Oikawa’s face soften slightly

“Ok,” Oikawa mouthed back

Iwaizumi simply nodded, laying again on his back. He could feel Oikawa’s light breaths beside him. Not quite asleep yet as the events of the nights likely rolled across his brain. He was probably overthinking again. Iwaizumi could almost sense the clouds rolling back over him. 

Iwaizumi closed his eyes right for a moment and counted his breaths trying to steady his heart. He rolled back over to face Oikawa moving his arms and opening them. Oikawa glanced over his eyes looking distant as Iwaizumi suspected. They seemed to take a second to focus in on the action in front of him. He carefully rolled in Iwaizumi’s waiting arms and curled slowly into his chest. 

Iwaizumi carefully held Oikawa to him. He could feel their hearts both bouncing around a bit more than they should. The events of the nights hanging above them like swords ready to drop. 

It brought memories back to when Iwaizumi first started crashing at Oikawa’s house without much warning. When he first really heard his parents fight in the kitchen when he was supposed to be asleep. He hated to admit it but it scared him. Slipped out of the house that night and took off toward Oikawa’s just across the street. 

Carefully bringing out the spare key from under the rock near the door and letting himself in. He would never admit it but tears were already marking his cheeks as he ran up to Oikawa’s room. It was late enough Oikawa should have been asleep. 

But Iwaizumi thought maybe he just knew somehow

When Iwaizumi opened the door he was surprised to see Oikawa still up in his bed. Looking at some magazine in his lap the boy was startled enough to drop it as Iwaizumi snuck it. 

“Iwa-Chan what’s wrong? Are you crying?”

Iwaizumi shook his head but picked up the magazine and placed it on the bedside table. He noted the Canadian volleyball team on the cover as he crawled in bed besides Oikawa. 

“You supposed to be in bed stupid,” Iwaizumi mumbled turning away from Oikawa facing the wall

Oikawa scuffled closer to Iwaizumi gently patting his cheek. Feeling the wetness he hovered over him carefully clearing Iwaizumi’s face of the tears. 

“Go away Shittykawa I’m trying to sleep. Turn off the light,” Iwaizumi shoved Oikawa back curling into himself more

He could hear Oikawa pause behind him. Eventually moving over to click the lamp off. Oikawa snuggling under the covers besides Iwaizumi. 

Iwaizumi opened his eyes, annoyed realizing they had school in the morning and he left his uniform and backpack over at his house. They weren’t even in middle school yet he doubted they could get away with skipping tomorrow.

“Do you want to talk about it Iwa-Chan?” Oikawa whispered gently placing a hand on Iwaizumi’s spine

Iwaizumi didn’t respond and Oikawa didn’t push. Simply scooted closer to his best friend and wrapped what he could of him in his arms. As laughable as it was Iwaizumi was actually taller than Oikawa at the time. 

And Oikawa never pressed

The next morning when the adults woke up in panic realizing Iwaizumi was missing it was Oikawa who defended him claiming he called Iwaizumi because of a nightmare so he came over. Obviously they were scolded but less so than if the adults knew what really happened. 

And it went on like that for awhile

If Iwaizumi’s parents fought to the point he couldn’t handle it anymore he would show up in Oikawa’s bed. Oikawa would always ask if he wanted to talk and when he didn’t say anything he would simply hold him close to his chest just 

as Iwaizumi was doing for him now. 

Eventually Iwaizumi came clean about what was happening. Oikawa didn’t press too much. Just offered him a place to stay whenever he needed. Iwaizumi figured that was the best he could do now. 

He had pressed and Oikawa never folded. Just like when they were kids. Tonight however Oikawa admitted things that Iwaizumi never thought he would have to fear. He wondered if Oikawa felt like that when he came clean about what was happening under the roof of his own house. 

So he was going to do what he could. Offer his arms to Oikawa as a place of rest. A place of safety. Not press till he was fully ready. 

No matter how desperately he wanted to

  
  


————————

  
  


Sure enough the morning came and Oikawa acted if the night didn’t happen. 

Iwaizumi wanted nothing more to yell at his friend and smack him over the head. The tough love system often worked with Oikawa but not for this. 

And it freaking hurt

There were other things Iwaizumi was throwing around in his brain after last night’s confession. Should he have confessed? Not necessarily his love for Oikawa himself, the idiot was dealing with enough he didn’t need to deal with that too. 

But Oikawa has very casually admitted to being attracted to both genders, drunk or not…

“What has you so lost in thought this morning Hajime?” 

Iwaizumi blinked up to see Mrs. Oikawa smile down at him. He knew Tooru was upstairs in the shower still. Iwaizumi has showered before coming down apparently only to be staring into his breakfast like a deadman. 

“Sorry long night.”

“I can tell,” she chuckled moving to the fridge for juice

Iwaizumi felt a tug in his gut. Should he tell her? Should he tell her what Oikawa was struggling through? Or would it ruin Oikawa’s trust in him forever? Would they be unable to repair the friendship after that? 

But she could help right?

“You really are lost in thought over there. You must have something weighing on your soul,” she sat across from him cup cradled in her hands

He hated adults. Especially parents. 

“Just thinking about after graduation,” Iwaizumi lies before shoving food into his mouth before he messed up

Mrs. Oikawa hummed resting her chin in her palm as he elbow rocked on the table in front of her

“Are you still considering America for school?”

Iwaizumi nodded stealing a drink

“That would be nice for you. A change of scene really,” she let her gaze drift toward the window, “I think maybe that’s part of why Tooru is wanting to take the offer from Argentina. He always loved watching them play when you all were kids. I think once he saw the level of setters here though his hopes for playing for Japan sank. It surprised me when he mentioned Argentina then I realized he must have sent them tapes thinking he had a better shot over there.”

She looked back over to Iwaizumi softly

“Then I heard you were thinking of America for schooling. Got me thinking that might be another reason he chose to go there. It was closer than Japan for you.”

Iwaizumi felt his body pause and rewind slightly as he moved his gaze over to her. 

“I hadn’t really told Tooru of my plan till recently. He’s been talking with Argentina since last year right?”

“Well yes… but he did have other offers didn’t he? I have a feeling that may have been the closest to America he could get to.”

Iwaizumi stayed silent. There was no way Oikawa would have chosen a place just to stay near him. He loved volleyball too much for that. He was supposed to go on and be the greatest setter. He needed to be. He knew there were other offers but his love for Argentina’s setter and coach were also too much to turn down. Surely that had been the reason. 

“How crude Iwa-Chan. Started eating without me,” Oikawa walked in pouting grabbing his own plate

“Because you take too long,” Iwaizumi mumbled leaning back glancing across the table to see Mrs. Oikawa no longer focusing on him but on her son

  
  


————————

  
  


As expected Oikawa continued not to talk to Iwaizumi about that night. In fact anytime Iwaizumi seemed to even think about bringing it up Oikawa magically disappeared. 

The one thing that did change was Iwaizumi slept over every night after that. Same position as they slept when they were kids. Curled into the other in one way or another. Arms and legs tangled seeking warmth and connection. 

So Iwaizumi did his damn best. He never changed their regular interactions. He still smacked Oikawa upside the head when needed. Dragged him to his class on time. Had no problem making him look like an idiot in front of his fangirls.

It was just those soft moments. 

At home curled under the covers. Making sure Oikawa ate properly. The occasional simple touch of a hand on a back or fingers through the hair. 

They weren’t the cure to anything but it’s all Iwaizumi could offer that he knew of. 

It wasn’t enough

He could see it again

Not even a week after the party the dark clouds hovered over Oikawa again. Drowning him and starving him of life. 

Iwaizumi struggled reining himself in. He wanted to shout at Oikawa. Shake him. Beg him to pull himself together. He knew it was terrible but he really didn’t know what to do. Why wouldn’t the idiot just talk to someone. 

Anyone. 

Him

Why couldn’t he at least talk to him?

Iwaizumi tried really damn hard to keep the food on him. Only to walk by the bathroom one evening to hear Oikawa emptying his stomach. 

Iwaizumi found himself crouched besides him rubbing Oikawa back as he shook. Offering a glass of water and damp cloth when he was finished and helping him to bed. 

He didn’t know what to do. 

He didn’t know what to do.

He didn’t know what to do. 

It only seemed to be getting worse. He had to say something right. Tell an adult maybe they would understand. 

But what kind of friend would he be dismantling his best friend’s trust like that. 

What would happen if the adults didn’t understand? What if Oikawa was pissed about it? What if it was the final straw?

Iwaizumi laid awake staring at the ceiling as Oikawa was curled against his side sound asleep. He would sleep for at best three hours before tossing and turning again. 

Again something Iwaizumi couldn’t help.

He didn’t know what to do. 

So he was stuck doing the only thing he knew Oikawa would let him do. Sleeping by his side every night. Helping him as he awoke with tremors and gasps. Offering him water after he would empty what little there was in his stomach. 

But it felt like it was all on a time limit 

“Please stop with the show of pity Iwa-Chan. I’ll be fine on my own go home.”

Iwaizumi didn’t bother responding as he changed into his night clothes and crawled into bed with Oikawa yet again. He hadn’t slept at his own home since that party. 

Oikawa stayed turned away from Iwaizumi for several minutes waiting for him to leave and change his mind. Only to feel a rough hand on his back like a reminder he wasn’t going anywhere. 

Oikawa sighed, rolling over into Iwaizumi’s arms like normal. Oikawa’s legs wrap around Iwaizumi’s in order to keep them from hanging off the bed. Iwaizumi’s chest was a nice pillow but it did mean he had to slide down and risk his feet dangling off the edge. 

It was still worth it. 

“I’m not letting you deal with this alone… even if I don’t know what to do,” Iwaizumi whispered into Oikawa’s hair softly 

“I’ve dealt with it before on my own. I’ll be right. It just takes time,” Oikawa lazily responded

He wasn’t wrong… he always got better right? He often dug himself out of whatever he was dealing with one way or another. The only time he almost didn’t… well it didn’t matter because Iwaizumi had called him. Iwaizumi didn’t need to know he had already saved him once before. 

He didn’t need that weighting in their souls for longer than it had already. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” Iwaizumi gave Oikawa an extra squeeze

Oikawa hummed slightly savoring the rise and fall of Iwaizumi’s chest. Each breath seemed to fill Oikawa himself. Their hearts syncing the longer they laid together. 

“What am I going to do when you are in America and I’m in Argentina?”

“Visit and call me,” Iwaizumi acted like it was that simple

Oikawa didn’t respond. It seemed so easy. Why did he make it seem so easy? 

“Oikawa… can I be honest?”

“Iwa you can always be honest with me. You always are.”

Iwaizumi pulled back slightly looking down at Oikawa. There was too much going on for Oikawa to get a true read on what Iwaizumi wanted to really say. There seemed to be too much he wanted to say. 

“I’m scared.”

Oikawa felt his hand spasm slightly against Iwaizumi’s chest

“Me too.”

“I’m trusting you… a lot but Tooru…” 

Iwaizumi closed his eyes and tilted his head up. He hated this. He really did. This whole thing was so painful to just sit and watch. 

“Tooru I think we need to tell someone. If not your parents, a therapist or something. I don’t know how to help you and you don’t seem to really know how to help yourself.”

Oikawa made a slight face, “Only crazy people see therapist Iwa-Chan.”

Iwaizumi sighed, “Not true. Some people go to just talk and such. I think… it would be good for you. I… I know someone who can take you soon if you want.”

Oikawa peeled himself away from Iwaizumi

“You talked about me to someone?”

This is what Iwaizumi was afraid of 

“No. I just looked into it.”

“Iwaizumi,” Oikawa fully sat up glaring at him

Yup this is what he was afraid of

“I’m fine. You don’t need to be trying to hook me up with a therapist.”

“You aren’t fine Tooru. Eating disorders need to be treated. Not to mention everything else the nightmares and the drinking and the-“

“I don’t have an eating disorder Hajime.”

“Then what the hell is all,” Iwaizumi threw his hands up around them like that would explain it

“Nothing, I'm just sick.”

“No this is different Tooru please.”

“Iwaizumi I think you need to sleep at your house tonight,” Oikawa turned over facing away from Iwaizumi 

“I’m not leaving you.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“No. I’m terrified that you aren’t going to be here if I come back.”

Oikawa sat back up turning to Iwaizumi with a new fire in his voice, “The hell does that mean Iwaizumi.”

“It means I’m afraid I’ll come over and you will be gone. Have you even noticed it Tooru. How much weight you’ve lost. Your hair, your eyes, it’s all changed. You almost look sick. I’ve been covering and covering for you. Saying one thing or another so the others don’t push you.”

“I don’t need a bodyguard, I'm fine!” Oikawa hissed

“You aren’t! I don’t know if you are doing it for the self hate or you just can’t control it or maybe it’s a punishment on yourself but it’s gotta end before you kill yourself,” Iwaizumi pressed

“I’m not going to try to kill myself again. Leave,” Oikawa flopped back over

There was a heavy silence in the air that stung heavy. It took several moments for Oikawa to realize it. 

“What do you mean again Tooru?”

“It was an accident.”

“Tooru… tell me.”

Oikawa curled closer into himself. Trying to disappear into a void that didn’t have Iwaizumi breathing down his neck. 

“Tooru.”

“It didn’t happen alright. It’s fine it was a long time ago.”

“How the hell is that fine Tooru? Please explain to me why the hell it’s ok!” Iwaizumi could feel his voice rise

But God he couldn’t help it

How could he miss this? How did he miss it? When was it? What had happened? What went wrong?

Why?

Why?

Why?

“It was a long time ago please Haijme,” Oikawa whispered 

“What do you mean Tooru? Please. I can’t help you if I don’t know.”

“What if I don’t need help?”

“You need help. You haven’t been wanting it. At least… not out loud. Your soul… your eyes they scream for help. But…”

Iwaizumi buried his head in his hands. He took several deep breaths. He felt the bed shift slightly. 

“I don’t know how to help Tooru.”

It was pathetic really. It was his best friend. How could he not know how to help?

“It’s not your job to help Hajime.”

Iwaizumi lifted his head to see Oikawa sitting in front of him, his shirt loose enough to show just how prominent Oikawa’s collar bone really had gotten. 

How had no one else noticed? Someone had to have noticed… right?

“Someone has to. I would rather it be me.”

“That’s stupid of you.”

Iwaizumi flicked Oikawa’s forehead, earning a sharp yelp. 

“Your stupid,” Iwaizumi muttered

Oikawa smiled a smile that was so soft most people wouldn’t have noticed it if they weren’t staring right at him. He rarely smiled like that with others. It was always that cocky smirk. Nothing so open and truly him. 

Unless it was moments like this when they were alone

“I think we need a break tonight. It’s not good for us to fight like this Hajime.”

Iwaizumi ducked his hiding his red face. That was a new problem. He knew he would have to tell Oikawa eventually but he had hoped it would be till later till they had things sorta figured out. He didn’t want to add on to Oikawa’s worries. He needed to focus on himself first. 

Oikawa dipped his head slightly trying to catch Iwaizumi’s eye. 

“Iwa-Chan? What’s wrong?”

“I um… I can’t go home.”

Oikawa rocked back bringing his knees to his chin, “Oh sorry… were they fighting again?”

He wouldn’t know. He hadn’t been home since that night. 

“Oikawa it’s just…”

He really didn’t want to say it…

“Iwa?”

“They kicked me out.”

Iwaizumi knew the words barely filtered through the air. He knew they were too soft to really catch. Any other time they would have flown completely unnoticed by everyone. 

Expect it was Oikawa of course he caught them

“Wait… Iwa-Chan what are you talking about?”

Iwaizumi sighed staring down at his knuckles. It had been the night after the party. When he found out Oikawa’s little lies. He had gone home briefly to pack a few things to come over. He knew at that point he wasn’t going to leave Oikawa by himself so long as he could help it. 

He would take care of him to the best of his ability. He wasn’t going to fail his best friend. He couldn’t let it happen. 

“They found out that-“ Iwaizumi flexed his fingers watching them curl and stretch

Oikawa wouldn’t care. He knew that now. It had been a worry at one point but now Iwaizumi knew… Oikawa would not turn away from him… at least he shouldn’t. 

After all, Oikawa had admitted it to him that night. Iwaizumi almost told him then too… it just wasn’t the right moment. 

“Hajime what happened?” Oikawa scooted closer to him gently raising a hand to his face tilting it up so he could see his face properly 

It almost made it worse

_ “Where the hell have you been?”  _

_ “Sleeping with Tooru again? Hajime you are adults now people are going to start talking.” _

_ “What do you mean it doesn’t matter?” _

_ “Of course it matters, can you imagine the rumors? The shame that would be felt having a son who sleeps with other sons?” _

_ “Of course it matters it's unnatural” _

_ “Why are you making it such a big deal? It’s not like your gay. We have other things to talk about. One of the schools from America sent this.” _

_ “What is wrong with you? Of course we love you, why is that a question?” _

_ “Well of course you love Tooru. He’s your best friend.” _

_ “You're confused, it's not the same.” _

_ “You do not love him like that Hajime. No son of mine could. It’s disgusting. A sin.” _

_ “If you can stand there so proudly about your sin then leave. You have no home here. Go sleep with your disgusting lover.” _

_ “You are no son of mine.” _

“They found out I’m gay.”

Iwaizumi couldn’t look Oikawa in the eye. He should be ok with it. He should… but

What if

What if 

What if

“Hajime,” Oikawa gently raised his hand toward Iwaizumi’s hair letting his fingers snag the short spikes, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“We were busy with other things,” Iwaizumi muttered avoiding eye contact

“That doesn’t mean you have to suffer alone Hajime. When did they kick you out?”

“The night after the party.”

“That’s why you haven’t left since then?”

“Well I wasn’t going to leave you alone in this. I told you I’m afraid to leave and you not be here and that’s not a lie. I don’t want to leave and come back only to lose you. So I’m not letting you go.”

Iwaizumi finally looked at Oikawa. 

There was too much. Too many thoughts. Too many confessions. Too much. 

“We held too many secrets from each other Hajime,” Oikawa whispered scooting forward to rest his head on Iwaizumi’s chest

“You’ve been saying my first name a lot,” Iwaizumi let a hand wander to rest in the back of Oikawa’s head burying his fingers into his hair

“Is that a bad thing?”

“No.”

They sat like that for several moments. The moon creeping through the window bathing them in the pale light as the pair held each other thinking of the wrongs they’ve done. The sins they’ve kept from the other. 

“You saved me that night.”

Iwaizumi hummed letting his fingernails gently scrape against Oikawa’s scalp. He could feel Oikawa melt more into the feeling. Leaning heavily on Iwaizumi’s chest as they remained seated on the bed. 

“I had the tub filled. I was… so done I don’t know… I still look back and barely remember the steps beforehand. I wrote letters. To you and my parents. Then you called with a homework question. You said I had to come over to help because I wasn’t making sense. So I drained the tub and burned the letters and went to you.”

Iwaizumi opened his arms pulling Oikawa closer to him. Clutching his best friend tighter than was probably comfortable. Oikawa’s head moved to lean on his shoulder as Iwaizumi buried himself into Oikawa’s neck. 

He had almost lost him already

“I always wondered if you had a sixth sense. That you called because you knew I was going to do something stupid because the homework wasn’t that hard,” Oikawa gave a wet chuckle as he fisted the back of Iwaizumi’s shirt

“I never knew.”

“I think you did… I think you knew something was wrong but you weren’t sure what.”

“I never really know,” Iwaizumi gripping Oikawa a bit harder, “I never freaking know. Why do you think I’m so scared? I can’t lose you. It’s selfish and I don’t care.”

Oikawa gave out another wet laugh, “It's alright to be selfish sometimes Hajime.”

“Then please let me keep being selfish because I can’t fix this alone. You know I fix things by smacking it on the head or throwing a ball at it. I can’t fix this like that. I don’t know what to do,” Iwaizumi muttered a soft  _ fuck  _ feeling hot tears fall onto Oikawa 

He had tried so damn hard to keep it together. 

“Hajime,” Oikawa whispered, pulling back, whipping away his own tears, “How can someone help me when I don’t even understand what’s happening?”

“That’s why we get help.”

“But-“

“Tooru,” Iwaizumi ran a hand through Oikawa’s hair

It was an absolute mess at this point. Sticking up in all places and hanging in his face. Iwaizumi tried to smooth it back so he could look at him properly. 

“What’s wrong with asking for help? Isn’t that what you've told me before when we were kids?” Iwaizumi reminded him

“You were stuck in a tree.”

“Yeah from helping you.”

Oikawa gave another laugh. Iwaizumi couldn’t help but smile slightly as Oikawa reached forward and gently cleared away the tear marks on his face. 

How could they be laughing like this when such a serious topic was on the line?

“I’m drained,” Oikawa muttered leaning against Iwaizumi again 

“Nothing’s fixed yet,” Iwaizumi placed a hand on Oikawa’s back keeping him in place

Oikawa didn’t respond. Simply resting against Iwaizumi for the moment. These soft moments between them were reserved for them and them alone. 

Iwaizumi was always a bit of a rough individual and that's how everyone knew him by. Oikawa had always pinned it on his parents. They never loved right in front of him. 

But Oikawa could make the exterior soften even if it was just for a moment 

Even if it was just for him

He savored these moments. He hated breaking them. He hated that the moment they were currently wrapped in was filled with tears and fear. 

It was selfish of him he knew that… but he wanted this more. He wanted him more. 

“Can we… figure it out in the morning? We don’t have school tomorrow,” Oikawa yawned

“Are you going to run away from me?”

“Never,” Oikawa whispered 

Iwaizumi shifted to lay down, bringing Oikawa with him. Oikawa curled into Iwaizumi’s side just like he had every other night so far. He could hear Iwaizumi let out a small huff before his hand seemed to dive back into his hair. 

“You are going to ruin my hair Hajime,” Oikawa muttered

“You act like that’s a bad thing.”

  
  


————————

  
  


Oikawa twisted his hand together as he looked up at the building in front of him. They were thirty minutes away from home. No one should know who they were but it didn’t stop Oikawa from checking around him every few seconds. 

A hand spread across the small of his back as reassurance. 

“I… I can’t. Iwa-Chan I can’t.”

He was shaking. He didn’t understand why just standing there looking up at a building could do that. Maybe it was more the fear of what happened inside. 

“Give it a try… or we can come back a different time and try again,” Iwaizumi muttered

But Oikawa could feel Iwaizumi’s hand spasm behind him. His voice was rough with frustration. Iwaizumi was trying so hard not to smack him in the back of the head. He could sense it. 

Honestly he would appreciate Iwaizumi smacking him in the back of the head. It would feel a bit like normal. He also wished he could pull his mask back on and pretend nothing was happening. Iwaizumi however would not let that slide. 

Things had changed enough to the point someone actually had commented at school about it. How docile Iwaizumi had become as of late and how Oikawa seemed to have chilled out. 

The words ‘maybe they finally banged’ floated around and Iwaizumi threw an apple at the offender. 

The pair didn’t share what had been going on behind closed doors. They didn’t share that Iwaizumi was now living at Oikawa’s nor did they share the confessions from the nights of the party and after. 

Honestly they were still trying to figure out how to talk to Oikawa’s parents about the fact Iwaizumi got kicked out. Though they hadn’t said anything yet about the extended sleepover. 

Oikawa took a few steps away from the building and shook his head. He pulled away from Iwaizumi and headed back toward the bus stop. 

He couldn’t do it. 

It was hard to explain why. To any outsider to his brain like Iwaizumi it would seem obvious to get help. Only… it wasn’t that easy. 

Getting help felt like admitting defeat. Admitting there was a problem he could fix or control on his own. It was like opening himself raw for everyone to toss salt on and let him burn in the June sun. 

It made it too real. 

He wasn’t ready for it. 

Oikawa flinched feeling Iwaizumi’s glare at the back of his head. He was frustrated. He understood that. Iwaizumi had been the one to make the appointment for him and sought out someone. It made him feel worse. 

But Iwaizumi wasn’t going to say anything about it 

Which almost made it unbearable. 

They were silent on the ride back and put their masks back on for dinner. Oikawa’s parents making the joke Iwaizumi should just move in since he hadn’t left in awhile. He joked he might have to. Reality he really needed to actually talk to them…

But maybe later

It was almost embarrassing for him to say anything about it. He hated saying it to Oikawa but add his parents to the list and Iwaizumi would rather do laps for the rest of the school year. 

The pair fell into their new routine. Switching who showers first, brushing their teeth, quietly doing homework while occasionally asking a question, and then slipping into bed together. Oftentimes Oikawa would request touch first but every once in a while Iwaizumi wouldn’t let him scoot too far to the edge of the bed. Instead bringing him closer to safety. 

“Can you yell at me or something,” Oikawa finally muttered once the lights were off and he was safely facing away from Iwaizumi 

“What would that help?” Iwaizumi sounded exhausted like half of his life force had been drained away from the day 

“It would just make things feel normal again,” Oikawa whispered feeling a sharp pain in his chest

“I yell at you all the time Shittykawa.”

Oikawa let a small huff of laughter out through his nose. It wasn’t really what he was after but the humor of the fact that Iwaizumi did try was enough. 

“Sleep Oikawa. We can try again in the morning.”

Try what again? Go back without an appointment? Not likely. It’s not like Oikawa was going to magically waltz out of there better anyway. He knew that all too well. Maybe it’s partly why he was afraid to go in. 

Why was it so terrifying to go in? To admit defeat. To need help. 

_ Because you don’t deserve it _

Oikawa clenched his fists slightly as the words skimmed across his brain. Turning to face Iwaizumi slightly who kept his eyes shut but adjusted his arms for Oikawa as a just in case. Oikawa selfishly slipped into them. 

_ Look how much you forced him to change. He shouldn’t be cuddling you. You don’t deserve his protection and his help. It’s going to waste.  _

Oikawa squeezed his eyes tighter. He just wanted it to stop. His thoughts were so cruel. 

He wanted to be one of the best. He wanted to be someone others looked up to. He was going to be… one way or another…

But how could he with his thoughts like this? 

Drowning him. Weighing him down. Suffocating him. 

Destroying him

_ Maybe you deserve it _

“Are you mad I’m thinking about taking that position in Argentina?”

_ Why can’t you stop talking _

“No. I’m proud. I told you I was going to beat you one day. I can’t do that if you don’t do your best and get stronger. If that means going to Argentina to do it then I’m proud you are going.”

Oikawa moved his hands to Iwaizumi shirt curling them slightly messing up the fabric

“Besides that’s when you really fell in love with the sport in that game we saw. When Argentina sent out that setter that changed everything. You studied him religiously for so long too. It kinda makes sense that you seek out more of him,” Iwaizumi adjusted slightly moving a leg over Oikawa’s 

A brief thought glinted through Oikawa’s brain that he quickly shut down

“Why does the States feel right to you?”

“I think we all agree I need to get away from here… at least for awhile.”

“Do you plan on going back to Japan after?” Oikawa asked hesitant about the answer

“Do you?”

Yeah he didn’t want that answer

“I don’t think I will be coming back as a citizen of Japan anymore.”

Oikawa kept his head down avoiding Iwaizumi's gaze as Iwaizumi pulled back to look down at him. Despite the height difference Oikawa always curled up in bed shrinking himself down to fit less space than Iwaizumi. 

“You want to give up your citizenship? What happened to the big stage?”

“The world is a big place with a lot of stages. The Olympics is obviously the best stage to be on… doesn’t mean I can’t get there… even if it’s not with my birth country.”

There was a long pause as if Iwaizumi was trying to calculate everything that Oikawa was actually thinking. The fact he was considering leaving everything behind. 

“So… Argentina… you don’t even speak the language.”

Oikawa laughed, finally looking up at Iwaizumi, “No, not at all.”

“And your not coming back,” Iwaizumi dragged on

“Let’s face it Iwa-Chan. With geniuses like Kageyama and Miya there is no way. Not to mention the upcoming generation. I’m not a genius like they are. For a moment during that final game I thought I could be but the facts didn’t add up.”

Finally a bit of normalcy again as Iwaizumi raised his hand and smacked the top of Oikawa’s head hard enough for him to help and whine at the pain. 

Yet he had missed it. The weird bit of affection Iwaizumi gave that most wouldn’t deem it as such. Oikawa knew differently at this point. It meant he cared and was trying to get it through his head. 

Even if he didn’t really want it in his head. 

“You are an idiot aren’t you. You are every bit of a monster as they are. Just because the rest of your team wasn’t monsters as well doesn’t mean shit. You still went toe to toe with them didn’t you?”

“Yeah because I had you all by my side,” Oikawa raised a hand to block the next blow but Iwaizumi changed tactics and moved to flick him in the forehead instead

Oikawa yelped again rubbing his forehead pouting at Iwaizumi but the relief of the familiar banter was flooding him with such warmth it was starting to lull him to sleep. 

“Volleyball is a team sport. There are six of us. We went toe to toe against them because we had monsters on our own team and a monster to orchestrating it all. We lost. I get it. It sucks I didn’t want it to end either. I wanted to win too,” Iwaizumi leaned forward right up to Oikawa’s ear and whispered, “But think about how nice it’s going to feel beating Kageyama and Ushijima when they are on the same team.”

Oikawa felt himself really smile for the first time in a long time. He tilted his face to look at Iwaizumi as Iwaizumi pulled back from whispering in his ear. Something shifted in Iwaizumi’s eyes as he looked down but his face didn’t give way to it. 

“Thank you,” Oikawa whispered tugging the shirt in his grip slightly, “For helping me so much even if it takes forever to get shit going for me and for sticking by me.”

“You’ve stuck with me too. Don’t ever forget that. Besides what are friends for,” Iwaizumi muttered a slightly bit of red obvious on his cheeks thanks to the minimal light of the moon

It was selfish to think of it now but there was a slight pang in Oikawa’s heart at the word friends. He wasn’t in the place to be pushing for more. That was maybe an adventure for when he could heal. He had to heal first before he could push. 

Especially knowing know there was a tiny tiny chance

“I’ll make a new appointment… just tell them something came up,” Oikawa muttered

He closed his eyes savoring the new feeling of fingers brushing against his scalp. He loved this. He really did. 

He needed to figure his shit out. He wanted to, he really did. For himself… and for Iwaizumi. 

“Good. Now sleep,” Iwaizumi huffed resting his chin on Oikawa’s head

Sleeping like this was one of the only times he really could get away with stuff like this. Oikawa always being just a bit taller than him he would never be able to reach. 

Oikawa let his eyes drift close. His breath slowly steadying. For the first time in a while he felt good. Like the cloud decided to hang somewhere else for the night. 

Would it be like this tomorrow?

Could he keep his thoughts at bay?

Could he really make all this happen?

“Tooru?”

It came so soft Oikawa almost missed it. He hummed slightly tilting his nose so it brushed against Iwaizumi’s chest. Doing his best to ignore the tingling his limbs were feeling. 

“Will we still be friends after all this? When you play on your big stage for a different country?”

It was Oikawa’s turn to give what little comfort Iwaizumi often accepted. He moved a hand to carefully let it run down Iwaizumi’s forearm letting it come to rest on the wrist. His finger settling just near where he could feel a pulse. 

“Pretty sure you're stuck with me Iwa-Chan. Even if we are in different countries and time zones. Even if we are on different teams. Even when you marry some pretty boy who doesn’t deserve you and adopt a stupid slobbery dog and a kid who I fully plan on corrupting by the way,” Iwaizumi let out a chuckle that rumbled deep in his chest and Oikawa could feel it viberate in his own, “You will still be stuck with me. I’m pretty sure you will be sick of me first anyway,” He teased finally

“I’m already sick of you,” Iwaizumi grumbled earning a small whine from Oikawa and another deep chuckle rumbled deep

“Goodnight you leech,” Iwaizumi huffed finally settling into a deep sleep

  
  


———————

“Can we talk please?”

Oikawa’s parents looked up from the show they were watching. Carefully leaning down to turn down the sound with the remote. Iwaizumi followed just behind Oikawa. The pair took a deep breath as they sat together on the smaller sofa that was off to the side.

“Does this have to do with the extended sleepover?” Mrs. Oikawa asked

Iwaizumi nodded, feeling a bit more guilty that they hadn’t brought it up sooner. He could feel Oikawa’s hand curled against his hip, clutching at the edge of his shirt as if that were enough to keep the pair together. 

“I had a feeling something happened especially since we hadn’t heard from your parents recently either,” Mr. Oikawa said from besides his wife

“I know it sounds stupid when I say it but please don’t get mad at them… they have been struggling with a lot and I think this was just the thing they chose to blow out of proportion. I’m sure in another few weeks my mother will phone me and apologize,” Iwaizumi started thinking back to the shouting match that echoed in his house that evening

“And I think that’s stupid. I don’t care they shouldn’t have done it,” Oikawa grumbled from besides him tightening his grip on the shirt

Iwaizumi smiled slightly. That had been a small playful argument he and Oikawa had earlier that day at school. About what Oikawa was going to do the next time they ran into his parents. 

Oikawa gave some very painful and prolonged details of an attempted murder that Iwaizumi knew he wouldn’t be able to stomach but he let him talk anyway. 

“They kicked me out,” Iwaizumi let the words carry to the parents across from him noting the genuine surprise on their faces

“What? For what? What happened?” Mrs. Oikawa leaned forward placing a hand on her husband’s knee

Iwaizumi chewed the inside of his cheek slightly. He had this conversation with Oikawa earlier too. That his parents were ok with it. That he never really felt the need to come out and make a statement about his sexuality so Oikawa had just rolled with it. Would mention to his mother who he thought was attractive and his mother just rolled with it as well. 

“I think it threw my dad for a loop at first when I mentioned guys were hot too. I don’t know if mom talked to him or what but he rolled with it too after about a week,” Oikawa had muttered on their walk back home

He had also explained to Iwaizumi why he never said anything. 

“I think it’s stupid to have to announce it. Like once I figured it out anyway why do I have to tell everyone. Why can’t they just accept I date who I date? Honestly that’s part of why I never actually said anything about it.”

“What was the other part?” Iwaizumi had asked 

“A bit scared… some people you know… but I think I’m ok… for now at least.”

Iwaizumi felt Oikawa’s hand press against him again as he took another deep breath. He hadn’t really ever had to say it out loud. The first time he did was to his parents that night. The next was explaining to Oikawa why he couldn’t go home. 

But he couldn’t keep living here without telling them

“They found out I’m gay… and they didn’t handle it well I guess,” he finally muttered

Mrs. Oikawa’s hand flexed on her husband’s knee. A new look in her eye shone brightly. It was such a similar look Oikawa wore when he was going to do something stupid. She rose from her seat slightly looking right at the boys across from her.

“If you don’t mind I’m just going to head across the street and have a quick word,” She muttered but her husband snatched her hand before she could wander far

“Don’t make more trouble for him. Why didn’t you tell us when it first happened? We would never turn you away, you know that. We could have set up the guest from proper instead of you camping in Tooru’s room.”

“I just… I wasn’t really ready when I told them. It just happened. I still don’t feel ready now but I owed you all some sort of explanation. Tooru wouldn’t say anything to you all if I had asked him anyway but I knew you all were starting to wonder.”

Mrs. Oikawa moved away from her husband and stepped closer to the boys gently cupping Iwaizumi’s face and running a hand through his hair, “I’m sorry you weren’t ready. We can always offer a do over when you are actually ready but thank you for trusting us. You are family to us to you know. We always have your back blood or not.”

Iwaizumi smiled slightly and let out a small sigh of relief. The tension he hadn’t even realized he was holding in his shoulders and back seemed to finally ease away at her touch and confession. 

“And at least you out right said something. This boy made us play the guess game for a hot minute,” she said patting her son’s head

“I still think having to make a proclamation is stupid,” Oikawa huffed finally letting go of Iwaizumi’s shirt to cross his arms

“You could have at least slipped the term bisexual somewhere in your vocabulary. Your poor father hadn’t the slightest clue what was happening.”

“I have zero clue what you kids do these days,” Mr. Oikawa waved a hand around standing as well, “Come on let’s move you out of Tooru’s room and get you in the guest room. I’m sure seeing him all day and night is getting annoying enough.”

“Hey!” Oikawa squeaked at the insult

Iwaizumi chuckled, squeezing Oikawa’s good knee before rising to join Mr. Oikawa. 

Oikawa’s mother moved to Iwaizumi’s place draping an arm around her son, moving her hand through his hair. 

“Not going to lie, you boys had me worried for a bit. I wasn’t sure what was happening and you two were being so quiet about it.”

Oikawa rested his head against her shoulder, “Sorry. He just wasn’t ready and I didn’t want to push him. I knew once you all understood you wouldn’t put the pressure either.”

“I still want to go over and give them a piece of my mind,” She growled lightly

Oikawa smiled softly. He loved how protective his mom was for Iwaizumi. Always had been since the first time Iwaizumi carried Oikawa back over to her when he fell in the park on their first meeting and skinned his knee. It was technically Iwaizumi’s fault as he chased Oikawa with a beetle but he didn’t snitch. 

“I did too. He wouldn’t let me.”

She hummed still scratching at Oikawa’s scalp

“He’s been debating on telling Makki and Mattsun too. They’ve been worried too and I think they are starting to lose patience with us. We kinda kept them out of the dark.”

“Those two would understand don’t you think?”

“I’m pretty sure they are banging mom. They come out in the other jersey all the time and realize it during warmups.”

She giggled slightly and Oikawa joined her. He could hear his dad and Iwaizumi moving a few things around. There wasn’t much for Iwaizumi to move out of Oikawa’s room anyway, mainly just getting the guest room properly set. There was a soft pang in his chest as he realized he would wake up besides Iwaizumi anymore. 

“Oh I’m going to miss my boys when you all finally leave. Won’t be the same with you in Argentina and Hajime in America. We will have to visit you all.”

“I’m sure you will keep busy without us. Not like you don’t have a grand baby to spoil as well,” Oikawa pointed out

His mother hummed, removing her hand from his hair and fully wrapping him in a hug. 

“So,” Oikawa’s mom smirked slightly, turning to look at her son making sure her voice was only for him to hear, “Can I finally start making wedding plans or are we still waiting?”

“Mom!” Oikawa shrieked almost falling off the couch much to his mother’s amusement 

  
  


—————

  
  


“So wait you're staying at Oikawa’s now till when?” Makki asked as they stretched together in the public gym

Figured they would have a little fun two on two match since they got off school early for the day. Oikawa helped Mattsun stretch a bit as Mattsun laid on his back and Oikawa carefully stretched out his right leg pushing it closer to Mattsun’s face till he signaled him to pause. 

“Probably till I leave for America I guess,” Iwaizumi said crossed a leg across the other while laying on the floor stretching himself out as well

“Wait did you officially get in? Are you actually doing school in the States?” Mattsun said signaling Oikawa to switch legs

“I’m working on the final details of the financial aid but yeah I’m in.”

Congrats rang around Iwaizumi at the announcement. Oikawa flashing him an ‘I told you so’ smile. Iwaizumi had been a bit worried their friends wouldn’t be too excited about both of them leaving Japan behind. 

“But wait why did you parents kick you out?” Makki sat up asking the question Oikawa knew Iwaizumi had practiced the answer to over and over in his head

“They found out I’m gay and apparently didn’t like it,” Iwaizumi said switching which leg he was on and keeping his gaze toward the ceiling

Mattsun sat up pushing Oikawa off him, “I’m sorry what? They kicked you because of that? Are you fucking kidding?”

A bit of pride swelled in Oikawa over how defense their friends got. He and his mother had still mentioned a few times that they would like to have a chat with Iwaizumi’s parents but he always waved them down. Maybe he could convince Makki and Mattsun to do it behind the scenes for them. 

“Apparently,” Iwaizumi sat up with a shrug

Makki and Mattsun shared a look and glanced over to Oikawa who simply tipped his head and spun the ball now in his hands. 

“So wait… how when?” Makki tried to string together his thoughts as if they had tried to run away before the thought was finished

“What do you think my parents care?” Oikawa asked

“Obviously not they raised you as a son, didn't they. Not sure if you noticed but there was that whole rumor going around how you slept with a guy at the last party and you never denied it,” Mattsun pointed out

“Well no one said anything to me about it,” Oikawa grumbled

“Probably because your fan girls were in denial,” Iwaizumi smirked hold a hand up for the ball in Oikawa’s hands

“No it’s just like how long has this been a thing now?” Makki finally got out

“He’s been living with me pretty much since that party. He’s in the guest room,” Oikawa said tossing Iwaizumi the ball and offering his hand to help him off the floor

Makki and Mattsun shared another glance

“What?” Iwaizumi asked noting it

“You know what never mind let’s play,” Mattsun pushed himself off the ground moving toward the open court

Makki frowned looking back at Oikawa and Iwaizumi but pushed himself up to join Mattsun. 

“See it went fine. Told you,” Oikawa said patting Iwaizumi’s back

“Whatever you say. Come on let’s kick their ass,” Iwaizumi twirled the ball slightly heading to the back line to serve

Today was a good day

But when do those ever last?

———————

The light tension in the friend group that had lingered for the past several weeks seemed to finally melt into its normal mesh. The group hung out more frequently though they did tend to avoid the topic of Iwaizumi’s parents even if questions still lingered. 

Oikawa went to his first appointment with the therapist Iwaizumi had found out of town. Iwaizumi didn’t press how it when he simply waited with a coffee outside for when Oikawa was done. Passing Oikawa a cup of his own into his hands the moment he walked out of the building. 

They walked to the stop in silence.

Honestly Oikawa was still running over the thoughts in his brain. He had been warned the first session would be in no way life changing as they were mainly introducing themselves to each other and letting Oikawa get comfortable with dumping his problems on the poor soul he was paying to help him. 

However there was one thing he did want to do when he got home

It wasn’t something the therapist had suggested at all but when the question was brought up of a journal the urge to do it seemed freeing. The tattered journal he would pick up and abandon when it got it got better than hard again. The stupid thing held all his secrets. Held all the sins he had committed. The things he had tried to get better. It suddenly felt like an anchor suffocating him under all the fears he had been swimming in for years. 

It held every calorie he counted. Every act or attempt he tried to silence the voices. The words the voices whispered to him. It was all etched there as a permanent reminder. It wasn’t a way of freeing his soul but that thought of destroying it seemed freeing.

When they got back home Oikawa went right for it. It had moved recently to the drawer in his desk. After he caught Iwaizumi eyeing it, he knew he would have to shift it around so the other would go snooping for it. He pulled it out of hiding. The tattered cover shoeing the years of struggle and abuse it went through just like Oikawa had. 

Oikawa tracked Iwaizumi down to his own room. Traces of the guest room are still there but also slight traces of Iwaizumi now there too. Iwawizumi claimed there was no point in decorating if he was headed to America soon. Though Oikawa could still see bits and pieces of his best friends scattered around.

Apparently Oikawa’s mom finally talked to Iwaizumi’s mom despite Iwaizumi’s protests. The evidence was the fact that Iwaizumi’s room now actually had the rest of his stuff that he had left behind in his own room. 

“She cried the whole time but she helped collect everything before her husband got home. She said she’s glad he was safe with us but she wouldn’t talk about anything else,” Oikawa heard his parents whisper that evening when they thought they were alone

Whatever drama was happening in the Iwaizumi household at least his Iwa-Chan was no longer caught in the middle of it.

“Can I have you do something because I don’t trust myself to do it,” Oikawa asked as soon as he entered the room

Iwaizumi raised an eyebrow facing Oikawa and locked onto the book that was quickly shoved into his chest.

“Get rid of it. Don’t read it just get rid of it… Please.”

Iwaizumi clutched the tattered thing to his chest and nodded slowly. Oikawa nodded and let a small rush of air out through his nose. It wasn’t in his hands anymore. He was letting his favorite person in the world hold some of his darkest secrets. He was trusting him not to look at it. Not to judge him for everything he had struggled with. 

He was trusting Iwaizumi completely with what seemed like nothing, but really it was every dark part Oikawa kept hidden. The parts he was sure Iwaizumi knew anyway but he still wanted to hide.

“Thank you… for trusting me,” Iwaizumi said squeezing the cover slightly the pages crumbling even more under his fingers

Oikawa sighed and nodded, carefully backing out of the room and back to his own room. It was a minor thing really but it was a step closer. A step to hopefully heal himself. To get better for himself, for his parents, for his friends, and for Iwaizumi.

It was a step in the right direction.

Just one step 

But it was better than going backwards 

——————————

Life settled into a satisfying rhythm. 

Oikawa and Iwaizuimi would wake up in the mornings and head to school together. After school they would often do some training. Be it running, weights, or even some short volleyball drills. Iwaizuimi checked Oikawa’s knee to make sure it was not bugging him despite Oikawa’s protests. 

“My job is going to be making sure my players are fit and healthy let me at least practice,” Iwaizumi would mutter

Oikawa would flush at the term my player

“Well you get plenty of practice on me then don’t you,” Oikawa would tease earning a smack to the back of the head

And then the banter would go on

Life did seem to be getting better. Iwaizumi helped Oikawa monitor his eating habits. Therapy was… well slow still Oikawa was still trying to see if it was actually helping. The dark thoughts that often clouded Oikawa’s mind were a bit quieter. 

Though Oikawa was puzzled as to why. It didn’t make sense. They were still there. They would flash a taunt, build a cloud and just as they started they eased off. Oikawa couldn’t find a correlation to what made them ease off. Was it because he didn’t feel alone in the battle anymore? Or something different?

Either way he wasn’t complaining 

In fact life actually started feeling a bit normal again. If that was the term for it. Oikawa knew he was still struggling but he was also slowly getting better. 

Just like the last time. 

“Are we on our own this evening?” Iwaizumi asked on the walk home from the gym

“I think so. They went to visit my sister and I know they talked about stay for dinner so we are probably on our own,” Oikawa said double checking his messages 

“Do we actually have stuff to cook at home?” Iwaizumi asked

Home

Yeah it’s their home now. Theirs. Together. They live there and sleep there and have their safety nets there. Home. 

But it wouldn’t be much longer

They would have to graduate soon and be off on their new adventures. 

But they could share their home for now

“We should. If not we can go with plan b and order,” Oikawa shoved his phone back into his pocket

“You have to pick up if we order.”

“Rude,” Oikawa stuck out his tongue teasingly earning a small bump from Iwaizumi 

See just like normal 

Sure enough the kitchen was a bit lacking for what they were craving. So order they did. 

“I’m going to shower and have the table set by the time you get back got it?” Iwaizumi said scribbling the order on a notepad for Oikawa 

Oikawa rested his chin on Iwaizumi’s shoulder reading it over, “You act like I don’t know your order by now.”

“What if I changed it?”

“You wouldn’t,” Oikawa snickered as Iwaizumi rolled his eyes and shoved the paper at Oikawa 

“Yeah yeah there you go,” and Iwaizumi turned deeper into the house

Oikawa only shook his head and peeked outside. Looked cloudy he should bring an umbrella just in case. Last thing he needed was Iwaizumi chewing him out for getting the food wet on the way home. 

Oikawa grabbed the navy umbrella that he was pretty sure was actually Iwaizumi’s that had simply lived at his house for the past few years. There were a few items like that. That simply shared a home between the two and no one really said anything. Like umbrellas and shirts. 

Oikawa made the short walk to the shop just down the road. Headphones in humming to the song playing on loop. A newer pop song that Iwaizumi claimed Oikawa already ruined with how often he played it. 

Iwaizumi 

Oikawa snorted slightly and smiled. His best friend was such a huge part of his life. It was silly but it was literally like he was always there. Always waiting and ready no matter how far ahead Oikawa got or how far he also fell behind in his darkest times. 

Maybe that’s why it had been so easy to fall for him. Falling in love with the best friend almost seemed cliche. Maybe like a dream that wasn’t meant to be. 

Oikawa couldn’t help but wonder what was next for them. They told each other they would always be together. Always support each other and have each other’s backs. 

But they were about to be divided

Oikawa to Argentina. Iwaizumi to America. Oikawa planned on giving up his citizenship for a whole new opportunity. Iwaizumi planned on coming back. 

They wouldn’t be together anymore. Not side by side. 

And it scared him

But he was also ready.

The thought of them getting stronger together and miles away from each other was fascinating. To finally be able to face each other again. A test to see who would win. They always stood side by side. It was time to finally see themselves on different sides of the net. 

But was it ok to love your opponent?

Probably not but at this point who really cared. 

The rain had just started an easy drizzle and Oikawa entered the shop. Shaking his umbrella before closing it and entering. The woman across the counter knew him well. Face carved with wrinkles from the smiles she had given him and his friends over the years as they visited for food. She barked if he wanted his usual and he told her to add Iwaizumi’s as well. 

It hadn’t gone completely unnoticed to those living around them that Iwaizumi was no longer staying with his parents. No really brought it up but Oikawa had heard the whispers of why. None of the gossip actually true. 

Oikawa rocked on his heels reading the display as he always did while he waited when the bell dinged above the door again. He glanced up out of curiosity to see a girl he vaguely recalled seeing before. He couldn’t place her exactly. Maybe they went to school together?

The woman came back to the counter to talk to the girl. Oikawa felt the girl’s eyes on him the entire time as she ordered. Should he be polite and say something? Would it be rude to ignore her? Probably. 

When she finished ordering Oikawa finally looked up fully with a smile and nodded. The girl smiled back taking a few steps forward to lay a hand on his forearm. 

“Oh Tooru! It’s been so long. I was starting to think you were avoiding me!”

Uh what?

“Surely it hasn’t been that long,” Oikawa baited hoping for her to jog his memory 

“Yes it has! Remember the last party! You disappeared before meeting up with me like you were supposed to.”

The party… the party he sorta confessed a bunch of crap to Iwaizumi?

“Oh yeah I had to leave early. Sorry,” He smiled looking up at the counter hoping his food would be ready soon

Party… party… who the hell was she though?

“I was hoping we would have fun again like at the last party,” she pouted running a finger down Oikawa’s bicep

What happened at the last party? That’s the one Oikawa really got too drunk in and Iwaizumi had to take him home. 

Oikawa ruffled through what minimum memories he had of that night but the girl wasn’t ringing any bells. 

God she was about to hate him

“I’m sorry are you sure you remember correctly? I was a bit out of it. I don’t remember the fun you are talking about nor which party.”

Sure enough she frowned huffing slightly. She didn’t let go however but hugged Oikawa’s arm and whined pulling at him slightly. 

“Rude Tooru! That was a great night! You were definitely a bit out of it though but we had lots of fun. You don’t remember any of it?”

Oikawa stared at her and blinked. And blinked again. 

Why was a bathroom ringing a bell?

“We met… coming out of the bathroom right?”

She smiled and bobbed her head up and down hopping slightly as she did. 

“Yes yes! We had a lot of fun after that! You didn’t want to at first but I think you enjoyed it in the end anyway!”

Oikawa felt what tiny smile he had faltered slightly. There had been so many gaps that night. Occasionally a hazy thought would stroll across his brain and he often wondered if it belonged to that night. 

What fun was she talking about?

“I’m sorry… but what fun? I’m very lost here.”

The joy that was on the girls face seemed to zap away and she pulled away from him. She crossed her arms across her chest and seemed to try and stuck out her chest more in the process. 

“Seriously? That’s rude Tooru.”

He shrugged slightly and she looked like she was about to raise a hand to slap him when the bell sang out again. Oikawa stepped away from the counter to make room for the new person. The girl followed hot on his heels.

“Are you really serious? You don’t remember anything that night?” She hissed quietly

Oikawa blinked trying desperately to focus. All he could remember is a string of nos, don’ts, and stops. But what did that have to do with her?

“Is that how you work Tooru Oikawa? Sleep with a girl and pretend it was nothing.”

… oh

Oikawa felt his blood stop for a moment before running cold. His eyes widened as he looked down at her. 

_ Do you want to remember what really happened you are almost there _

Why why now

_ Remember you told her no but you were too drunk _

_ So damn drunk just to stop listening to yourself _

No no no

_ Pathetic isn’t it that you couldn’t just push her off. Pathetic you don’t remember this _

I said no… I said no she should have stopped

_ Who’s going to believe you? Why would anyone believe you.  _

She shouldn’t have…

_ You shouldn’t have been drunk and alone with a girl. You shouldn’t have let her control you. You should have done better.  _

_ But you only know how to fail don’t you _

“You raped me,” Oikawa finally whispered to her as his thoughts caused mayhem in his brain

The sky outside darkened as night closed in and the rain fell harder. With it his dark cloud seemed to hover over him. Covering and consuming what light he had surrounding him over the past few days. 

She scowled and looked mildly offended, “I wouldn’t call it that! If you didn’t want it you would have said something.”

“I said no!” He hissed trying not to draw attention from the other guy standing nearby

“Not enough! It was fine, it was fun!”

_ How pathetic of you. How disgusting of you. How can you live with this knowing you let someone so weak take advantage of you? _

Oikawa stumbled back clutching his umbrella a bit tighter. He shook his head as he accidentally bumped into a chair behind him. The girl frowned again, moving a hand to reach out to him. He slapped it. Hard. 

Before he could even calculate his next move he ran out the door into the evening storm. 

——————

Iwaizumi had long since gotten out of the shower and set the table

But there was no Oikawa 

Maybe the wait was just long or he got stuck chatting with someone. That happened often enough. Oikawa was fairly popular after all even though he also very much enjoyed his time alone in his room. 

But it was getting dark and it was really raining 

“The idiot is going to catch a cold,” He muttered picking up his phone

No text or call saying he’s sorry for being late. Would it be dramatic if he called him? Maybe he’s just running behind. Then he would have to hear him teasing that he worried about him. 

Which… he did but still

Ten minutes. He would wait ten more minutes. 

Iwaizumi collapsed on the couch with a sigh. The tv playing background noise for him. Nothing he could do but wait at this point seeing he and Oikawa always did their studying together nowadays. 

Ever since that little shift happened things fell into place so nicely it seemed. He had always felt welcomed and at home at the Oikawas and now it really was his home. Oikawa seemed to be healing in a way of sorts. He had great days and bad days but the bad days seemed farther apart. He was putting weight and muscle back on. The bags under his eyes weren’t as heavy. Iwaizumi was certain he only empty his dinner twice the week prior which was a huge improvement compared to every night and afternoon. 

Iwaizumi just hoped that by the time they had split that Oikawa was steady enough to be on his own. It terrified Iwaizumi to no end thinking about the fact Oikawa could relapse without knowing. With him so far away and out of his grip he just wanted him to be safe. 

Worrying about Oikawa hadn’t given him much time to worry about his own things until he got a letter two days ago which he had refused to open just yet. It was from his mother. She seemed to have also forward him so last minute college papers that had been sent before he had switched the addresses to Oikawa’s place. 

He remembered the look on Oikawa’s face when he handed him the letter. He had been the one to grab mail that day meaning the adults hadn’t seen it. 

Oikawa set it in front of him before reaching up and squeezing his shoulder. He could feel Oikawa hesitate before walking away. Like he wanted to give his input on what to do but even he knew how to draw a line. 

They all knew Iwaizumi’s mother would be the one to reach out. Likely apologize and ask to see him again. His father was the one he didn’t hold as much hope for. He had always been a bit more stuck in his ways. 

He honestly hoped the fact he stepped out of the house earlier than planned sparked the initiative to file for divorce. Would it be too hopeful to hope that was in the letter? An apology and a declaration of divorce. 

Iwaizumi glanced back at his phone. Twelve minutes had passed. He pulled open Oikawa’s contact with his face doing some silly act that involved a peace sign and his tongue not where it belonged. He hit the call button and pressed it to his ear. 

It rang and rang before dropping him off at voicemail. 

Iwaizumi sat up a bit straighter and tried again. Same result. The third try it only rang once before it went to voicemail. The fourth time it didn’t even ring. 

Iwaizumi was trying to control his thoughts. It couldn’t have been an accident or the phone would have rang each time or if someone was with him they would answer. 

He had to be ignoring him… but why?

Iwaizumi stood quickly grabbing a jacket and digging for an umbrella. If he took the path he should run into him right?

But what the hell happened?

Did he get hurt and was just too prideful to say he needed help? 

Iwaizumi stepped out into the rain popping open the umbrella. He glanced out at either direction just in case. Just in case Oikawa was jogging home with some stupid excuse but there wasn’t a soul around. 

He traced the path to the shop without spotting him. Real worry started to leak through his veins. Something was very wrong. He got to the shop maybe five minutes before they were to close the kitchen. At this point he and Oikawa should have been chowing on their food almost finished at this point. 

The woman at the counter looked up with a frown, “Where Tooru go? He was here, ordered, and paid but then he took off. Didn’t take the food it was going bad. I had to give it up so it wouldn’t spoil.”

“But he was here? He never made it home. Did something happen?” Iwaizumi couldn’t stop the worry from leaking into his voice

Something had happened… Oikawa had been doing so good… did something trigger a relapse? He normally could keep it together till he got home. At least that’s what he claimed. Was something bad enough to trigger him enough not to be able to?

He was so confused he still had only an inkling of a clue of how anything worked. He didn’t understand Oikawa’s thoughts and why he was so hard on himself. He just wanted him to finally be able to stand and breath again. 

“He was talking to the girl who lives a few streets away. Goes to that all girls school. Hangs around a lot. She kept trying to talk to him and you could tell he was just being nice. He took out the door as I was packing the food. Girl was not happy at all.”

Girl… what girl?

“Thank you,” Iwaizumi quickly ducked out and looked down the road

Where the hell would he have gone?

He tried to call again.

And again

And again

He left messages begging for him to answer. To come home. To be alright as he hurried around checking small areas out of the way and windows of other stores. 

The park?

No he passed the park on the way to the shop he would have seen him. 

Iwaizumi paused staring at his contacts again… should he call for backup? For help?

But that… that would hurt Oikawa more in the end right?

After all he spent all this time doing his best to make sure no one knew. He had never wanted to bug anyone. 

Maybe he shouldn’t have fallen off the map then. 

Iwaizumi huffed at his contacts again pressing down. The phone rang several times. Iwaizumi half expected no answer again. 

“What,” Hissed through the receiver at a small bit of hope flared up

“Makki please tell me Mattsun is there too.”

“What the hell Iwaizumi we are busy.”

_ Well why did you answer the phone then _

“Please Oikawa is missing. I need help. I can’t find him. He went to get food and didn’t come back.”

“It’s Oikawa he-”

Iwaizumi shook his head, pressing his palm to his forehead. They had kept everything from everyone. No one knew. No one understood why there was panic in Iwaizumi’s voice.

“Makki please you don’t understand. He… we… we have to find him. If not I’m worried. I can’t do this… I don’t know how to do this alone anymore.”

There was a pause and muttering on the other end. Iwaizumi felt the guilt creep into his veins. Oikawa was going to kill him later but at this point Iwaizumi was done walking blind and clueless. 

But he very well might kill him if he ends up being fine 

“Iwa where are you and can you explain a bit more of what the hell is going on.”

It was Mattsun now. There was rustling on the other end that Iwaizumi could pick up but he wasn’t too sure what rustling it could be at the moment. His feet were dragging him back toward the park. Oikawa is always drawn there. Surely he just missed him the first time. 

“I’m headed back to the park but he wasn’t there when I went by the first time. He just…”

“Did you two fight?”   
  


“No.”

“He just went to get food.”

“Yes and the owner said some girl talked to him and he took off before she gave him the food.”

“Not with the girl?”

Iwaizumi stepped deeper into the park traveling off path. Checking up in trees and near the swings, “No. She said the girl was making him uncomfortable.”

“Ok we will meet you at the park soon but Iwa with how worried you are… does this have anything to do with how you and Oikawa have been so closed off to everyone? Is going to do something stupid?”

“Mattsun,” Iwaizumi paused looking off a bit toward the pond was only seeing the weeds blowing around it

“Mattsun, he was getting better.”

There was more muttering on the other end. Iwaizumi could hear the phone being passed around and Makki’s voice came back through.

“Iwa tell me, where else would he be besides the park or the gym?”

————

This sucked

Oikawa coughed and coughed. It was too cold to be here. His body shaking violently in an attempt to keep him warm and alive. The water covering his body and being forced from his lungs felt like needles dipped in ice. Tearing at his skin and stabbing him with every cough.

How could he fail at this again?

Oikawa sputtered another mouthful of water out as his fingers spazzed clutching the rocks under him. Rain still assaulted him from the sky as if the water in his lungs weren’t enough punishment. 

He doesn’t even know how he got here. How long it took. He just remembered that one thing. That one stupid thought that ruled his brain for so damn long.

_ Just do it _

_ Just do it _

Years of pain were supposed to end after that. He shouldn’t still be breathing. It all hurt so damn much. 

He didn’t have a hard life. Not like the others. 

He wasn’t Iwaizumi, who had been kicked out and rejected by his parents for being who he was. 

He wasn’t the man they passed occasionally in the city who clutched his dead dog for weeks after it had died because that was the last thing he had from when he had a home and family. 

He wasn’t the girl from their first year who was found in her room after she took her life after suffering from years of bullying and abuse at school. 

He wasn’t the woman across the road who was a single mother after her husband took off with some lady who worked in his office being forced to work day and night to prevent her kids from starving.

He wasn’t the man who visited the shrine several months ago who spoke of war and his missing limbs and the PTSD and dreams he suffered since then.

He wasn’t them

He was loved by his friends and family. He had a future. He had a great life. He shouldn’t have these thoughts. These desires. These things that have haunted him since he was young. These things that have suffocated him and brought him many years of pain. 

He had no excuse for them

So why

So why did they fucking haunt him so

And why couldn’t he do it right?

There was so much water. Water coming from the sky. Water falling from his eyes and escaping his lungs. Water that had rejected him pushing him back to shore.

Why did he always choose water?

“Hey kid you alright? You didn’t try going for a swim in this weather did you?”

Oikawa couldn’t open his eyes to respond. He didn’t want to. He didn’t want to be here. It hurt too much and he didn’t have a reason to why.

“Hey kid you ok?”

_ Just leave me _

_ Please just leave me _

_ I can’t _

_ I can’t _

“Tooru?”

_ No please _

_ Leave me _

_ Let me leave _

“You know him?”

“Yes can you please call the ambulance! Something isn’t right. Tooru Tooru hey what happened. Iwaizumi is freaking out. Did you fall in?”

_ No please _

_ I don’t want to wake up  _

Oikawa could faintly feel him being moved to his side. Someone hitting his back forcing up more water. The words were getting farther away though.

That’s good right? That’s what he wanted.

So why did the cold and water seem so sharp? Why could he still feel it? Why could he hear Iwaizumi? Why did he sound so far away?

_ Maybe if I just sleep _

_ Sleep and the thoughts will go away _

———

How far over their heads they had let themselves get.

They were kids after all. Still trying to figure out how the world worked. Legs wobbly as they were just now starting to take the steps away from their parents and learning to stand on their own. 

They weren’t ready to fix everything on their own.

Iwaizumi honestly wasn’t sure why the fuck they tried.

The trio sitting on false plush chairs in the waiting room. Iwaizumi with his head buried in his hands. The other two confused on what exactly was going on. Iwaizumi did not give the details he knew. He seemed to be thinking the worst of what had happened,

But Makki and Mattsun still had no clue what that was

The elevator door dinged and feet rushed forward. Makki and Mattsun looked up, tapping Iwaizumi’s back. He couldn’t look up to face it. He knew he would have to crack and explain.

Explain what his best friend had been struggling with. How he had know something was up for fucking years but never had the guts to ask and when he finally did and Oikawa finally fucking tells him he still failed him. He failed Oikawa. He couldn’t help. He had tried and he was wrong. It was as simple as that.

“Hajime baby what happened.” 

Oikawa’s mother carefully knelt down in front of him cupping his face slightly to guide his face up to look at her. He knew his normally green eyes were dark and lined with red. He knew he looked like a mess right now. He knew she was going to be mad at him. Maybe kick him out like his parents did. Heck they should. He would in their footsteps. 

He had failed Oikawa.

“We messed up,” he winced at how rough and hollow his voice

Oikawa’s mother looked up at Mattsun and Makki who could only shrug.

“Baby we need more than that. He’s going to be alright. He’s sleeping right now but everyone’s really confused. You know him better than anyone. You called everyone together but we don’t know what to do from here.”

Iwaizumi squeezed his eyes tight tilting his head down again to his lap. Hands still resting on his cheeks stroking his face lightly.

“I don’t know. I don’t know. I tried. I really did. I don’t know.”

He was being shushed lightly as a hand moved to his hair and kept stroking. The hand also stayed moving away the tears that started falling again just like he had when he got the video call of where Mattsun found Oikawa.

He just knew when he saw

Was that terrible?

That he knew just off a glance what his friend had attempted. 

There was movement around him. The warmth that had been in either side of him since they arrived was gone leaving him with only Mrs. Oikawa crouched in front of him. 

“Hajime, we are here. You two don’t have to handle everything by yourselves anymore. Let us help.”

Iwaizumi tilted his head a bit farther as his heart felt like snapping. He couldn’t control the tears at this point. His mind full of what ifs. Trying to find where he messed up. Where he went wrong. What he could have done better.

“He’s been struggling for so long. I thought he was getting better. He seemed happier. I thought it was working. I don’t know what happened.”   
  
“What do you think happened Hajime? Why was he next to the river?” 

Iwaizumi finally looked her in the eye. His heart snapping into more tiny pieces. The look on her face seemed to know. It’s like she seemed to know. So why was she asking? 

“I think he jumped.”

———

_ No _

_ No _

_ No _

_ Why _

Oikawa could hear it. The soft beeping. The tapping on a screen. Soft chatter near the door. 

There was a warm calloused hand in his. The thumb carefully rubbing the inside of his wrist right where one could keep checking for a pulse. The sheets felt stiff under him. The pillow not the one he normally curled into at home. 

_ Sleep again _

_ Maybe this is a dream _

Oikawa let the thought carry him back under. He wasn’t sure if he was even there long before the darkness shifted around him. Heavy pressure crushed his lungs and chest. Something dragging him down as his hands bled against the roughness of the rocks he tried to climb. Cold seemed to bite down hard and unforgiving. Oikawa, unable to see anything around him just covered in the darkness.

_ Breathe _

Oikawa struggled, opening his mouth in a desperate attempt to break through. The air hurt as it refilled his lungs too quickly. No water sputtering out as his eyes shot open trying to find light. 

“Breathe Tooru,” The hand clutching his anchored him back to Earth

Oikawa squeezed it maybe a bit too much. Letting go quickly in case he just hurt the hand. The hand however squeezed back firmly. Not in a painful way but as if desperate to keep him anchored.

Green

Oikawa could only see green looking back at him. 

As his breath slowed he could see the red around the green. The green belonged to a face. A familiar face. A face etched with exhaustion and fear.

Iwaizumi

“Hey,” Iwaizumi muttered, reaching up to smooth Oikawa’s hair out of his face as his breathing settled, “It was a dream. I’m here.”

“It wasn’t… It wasn’t a dream,” Oikawa winced and his hand went to his throat

It sounded disgusting. Like there were spiked tearing up the words and cotton stuffing the sound down.

“I know I know,” Iwaizumi muttered his hand still not leaving Oikawa’s hair

Oikawa glanced around taking in the small white details of the room. Noting random personal items of his friends and family parked by some chairs scattered around. 

People knew

People knew what he tried and failed to do

“Tooru lay back please. You are starting to panic again and I need you to stay with me?”

“Again,” Tooru squeaked letting Iwaizumi push him back slightly

“I don’t think you were fully conscious the first few times. I think your body still thought it was drowning,” Iwaizumi carefully placed Oikawa’s hand back to the sheets letting it remain doing the pattern it had been all along against the wrist

“They all know… they know,” Oikawa honestly couldn’t cry anymore

It was all gone. He felt numb and overly raw. He should be crying right? He should be.

“They don’t know everything. Shhh Tooru stay,” Iwaizumi glancing at the monitor trying to keep Oikawa’s rate steady

It had spiked for a moment when he woke. They had talked the last time it happened that it may be better for everyone not to be here when he woke up. Let Iwaizumi find out what happened. Likely he would be the only one to actually find out. Everyone was likely getting coffee and waiting for his text.

“Tooru,” Iwaizumi whispered his hand resting against the boy’s cheek

His hand twitched slightly as Oikawa leaned into it for a heartbeat before pulling away.

Over the years they had been friends, communication for them had mainly been through action not words. Iwaizumi however sucked with both which got a lot of wires crossed. He knew that but talking to Oikawa about what was really on his mind always seemed impossible.

When they got older he realized Oikawa wouldn’t judge him for his thoughts but why the hell was it still so hard to explain.

Maybe it was the combination of that and how dense Oikawa could be that led to the miscommunication so much.

“Tooru I need to know what happened. They said you were waiting for food and some girl was talking to you. Then you left and they found you under the bridge.”

Oikawa closed his eyes, painfully pressing his head into the pillow hoping it would make him disappear.

“Iwa I messed up. I can’t do a damn thing right can I?”

“You know that’s not true. I just… I thought things were ok. Did I miss something?” Iwaizumi’s hands clenched by his side 

“No… It was my fault. I messed up that night when I got drunk. Then I messed up tonight not finishing the job.”

“We are all fucking glad you messed up the last one. Tooru do you have any idea how much you mean to any of us. Do you really think we would be ok or better off if you just…”

Iwaizumi tilted his head away frustrated. He had cried too much through all this. He needs a clear mind just for a moment. Just for now. He couldn’t cry now despites the fact his heart was still literally turning into dust inside him. 

But the tears betrayed him anyway starting back down his cheeks again

He could feel a faint cold touch take away the warmth of the tear. He glanced sideways to see Oikawa with a frown on his face as his thumb moved away the tear.

“See what I’m doing to you. I messed up.”

“And you think I would be fucking any better if you succeed? Like I would be able to last long without you you fucking idiot.”

“Rude Iwa,” Oikawa gave a raspy laugh

“I’m fucking serious Tooru,” Iwaizumi adding bite to his words hoping his friend would get it

Oikawa’s face seemed to go blank as his hand fell back to his chest. He looked over to the door as if waiting for someone to come through and save him from the talk.

“What made you break?”

“Everything.”

“What happened in the shop Tooru? What did the girl you talk to say?”

Oikawa remained silent. His mind filled with too many empty clouds. 

How did he explain this to him? To anyone? 

He, a guy who was fit and strong was overtaken and raped by a girl when he was drunk and he barely remembered any of it. He shouldn’t have let that happen. How did he let that happen? It was his fault for letting it happen.

He was as weak and useless as his thoughts had always told him. He felt disgusting. Like he wanted to burn off anything she had possibly touched. Skin included. 

“You know I would never judge you for this Tooru please. I just want to help. We can’t lose you.”

Oikawa could let the words out. He couldn’t say them. It was like admitting defeat. He was still confused how he didn’t know beforehand. He should have known right? When it happened? Drunk or not?

_ You said no _

Oikawa held out his hand to Iwaizumi who looked down at it confused. Oikawa pretended to scroll his thumb across his palm. He wasn’t going to say it but maybe if he could get Iwaizumi to leave him and walk away he could leave as well. 

It would disgust him right? What happened that night. Enough for him to walk away and never look at him again.

Iwaizumi seemed to understand and pulled out his phone. Oikawa entering the password. He was sure his own phone likely drowned in the river like he should have. Oikawa pulled open the notes section. Hesitating slightly on exactly the wording. What would push Iwaizumi away the most? He swallowed wincing slightly as he finally handed back the phone to Iwaizumi who’s eyes hadn’t left Oikawa’s face.

Oikawa turned away so he wouldn’t have to see the disgust on Iwaizumi’s face as he read the words

**She raped me that first party and I let it happen**

He could sense a slight change besides him in Iwaizumi but he didn’t look over. He was just waiting for him to stand and walk out. That’s all he wanted right? He just wanted to know what finally made him snap and go over the edge. 

Oikawa could never truly describe the pain he was in nor whatever caused it. Just the constant chase of never being enough no matter how desperate he wanted to be. The constant feeling of being second choice. The looks and talk behind his back. They were miniscule to what others had to deal with and yet it tore him into pieces

“Who was she?” There was a hardness in Iwaizumi’s voice he hardly heard

Oikawa took bait and glanced back over to Iwaizumi. There wasn’t disgust on his face as there should be, but a fury he was trying to control. Iwaizumi may be a gruff and angry looking guy in general. He may shout and have no fear in throwing the occasional ball at the back of Oikawa’s head or even giving it a solid smack for good measure to get the point past Oikawa’s thick skull…

But the fury on his face was something new

“Don’t know. Doesn’t matter does it.”   
  


“The fuck it doesn’t matter,” Iwaizumi’s voice deadly quiet

“Just forget about it Iwa. It’s not going to matter in the end anyway. It’s not believable and I don’t remember crap about it. Likely she can just turn and say it was really the other way around,” He looked away unable to feel settled under the look Iwaizumi had on his face

“It fucking matters Tooru. It fucking matters because she hurt you. She took advantage of you. It pushed you to do the unthinkable. We could have lost you and you act like it's ok.”   
  


Oikawa turned back to Iwaizumi sitting up slightly and the fury melted to worry as Iwaizumi went to push him back into bed but Oikawa slapped his hand away. 

**“** Does it really Iwa look at me and tell me because you act like I hadn’t thought of this enough.”

“It took you all of thirty minutes to decide and think it over. I don’t think-“

“Exactly you don’t know how I think!” Oikawa hissed

Tears finally springing back to live in his eyes. He thought he was done. He thought there was no more left to cry about. 

“And I’m fucking trying to but it doesn’t make sense!” Oikawa could tell Iwaizumi was really trying not to yell

“Tooru, I don’t get what you think. I don’t. The whole eating thing and the self worth issue and wanting to end your life never made a damn bit of sense to me. I couldn’t understand because you are the most amazing person I’ve ever met. Pain in the ass or not. You literally are one of the only people I look up too. You are one of the only reasons I can stay semi sane even with all the bullshit in my life.”

Oikawa grinds his teeth and tilts his head away

“No look at me and listen,” Iwaizumi reached forward grabbing Oikawa’s chin and forcing him to face him, tears trickling down his cheeks, “You are. You're one of the good people. The fact you struggled for so long and I had no clue… the fact you had to deal with it on your own for so long… the fact that I keep digging in my brain trying to find why… was it my fault with things I said or a coach or parent? None of us noticed but you kept on living through all this pain and I swear I believe you. I don’t understand but I believe you and I won’t leave you like this. Tooru I promise I’ll stay with you the whole way while we figure this out. I can’t lose you. We can’t lose you. So can we please please get some help… so I can show you a future worth living.”

Oikawa didn’t have any other choice but to look at Iwaizumi. Tears still marching down his cheeks. He really couldn’t explain it. Why the words Iwaizumi said seemed to hurt worse. Everything just hurt. 

_ But at least it’s not numb anymore _

Oikawa could answer. Not with a fresh wave of tears and a choking sobs echoing in his chest. He couldn’t do anything. He could explain what was happening. He couldn’t explain his thoughts or his feelings. He couldn’t explain the pain. Even if he screamed it. Even like this with the pain so evident on his face. He couldn’t explain it.

But he didn’t seem to have to

Iwaizumi moved to the bed carefully, taking Oikawa's sore and exhausted form into his arms. Oikawa’s fingers clutch with what little strength they had left into Iwaizumi’s stiff shirt. His tears soaking the shirt that had been soaked from the rain only hours before. Iwaizumi whispered things in his ear that he couldn’t even decipher. Patterns traced on his back till he could settle back into a peaceful sleep.

He had just managed to survive one of the darkest periods of his life… but there was still 

such a climb ahead of him 

————

Sunshine and rainbows were the farthest thing from what came next. 

Mandatory stay at the hospital. Psych consults. Therapy sessions. Parents crying. Missing school. The rumor mill started.

It was almost worse than dealing with everything in secret. Now everyone knew. So everyone talked.

Not to his face obviously but it wasn’t like the whispers behind his back weren’t loud enough. His friends did their best to bite the whispers in the ass but even they couldn’t stop teen gossip. 

His parents did their best as well but now they knew. They were walked through what to watch for by the doctors, specialists, and Iwaizumi. He couldn’t be in the bathroom alone anymore. They monitored how much he ate and kept an eye to make sure he didn’t send it back up. They constantly checked his pills were being taken properly.

Those damn pills

Oikawa couldn’t tell if they helped or just numbed him again. Didn’t help that there were so many to take. He felt useless. Like a burden.

Then there was Iwaizumi.

Still very much living with the Oikawa’s but officially planning his move to the states almost as soon as graduation happened. Which was incredibly soon. 

But Oikawa could sense that hesitation

That hesitation that he put in Iwaizumi’s brain. He hadn’t meant to of course but there was a talk that needed to be had. Over the course of it all Iwaizumi hadn’t left Oikawa’s side even more than normal. Even to the point they were sharing the same bed again. 

“I’m sorry,” Oikawa blurted one evening as they stretched out after some volleyball practice

Something they had eased back into as of recent as Oikawa still technically was supposed to go to Argentina. That was a hot topic though. Friends and family trying to get him to stay.

Iwaizumi tilted his head back to look at Oikawa lifting an eyebrow, “For what?”

“Everything… I’ve made a mess of everything and now everyone is hesitating in their own future too worried about mine. Including you.” 

“Shut it,” Iwaizumi started but Oikawa shook his head and raised his hand

“Are you or are you not looking into not going to America or transferring after the first term. I saw the computer Iwa.”

Oikawa watched as Iwaizumi sighed and rolled from his back to his stomach looking away from Oikawa, “It’s not anything to do-”

“Yes it is and it's my fault,” Oikawa stood up and placed a hand on his hip pointing down at Iwaizumi, “So listen, just because I am dealing with whatever the hell I am dealing with doesn’t mean you stop on your dream. I’m still leaving after graduation and you should too. Stop letting my problems interfere with your plans so much.”

“It’s not-” But Oikawa cut him off again

“No I’m sorry for making life hell and stressful for you but now I need you to listen to me and take what shitty advice I’ve got. Don’t let me stop you. I need you to keep moving forward and follow your dreams so maybe… we can stand on the same side one day. I need something to keep pushing me and yes watching everyone excel past me has been part of why I’ve struggled. I need it… I need it to keep going. I need it so I don’t feel pathetic when I finally beat everyone but know damn well some of you stopped to hold my hand to help pull me backup letting you fall behind just like I did.”

“You aren’t falling behind anyone Shittykawa and no one is going to go easier on you because of all this. They all still see you as a threat on the court and you freaking know it so stop with the-”

“No listen,” Oikawa collected their stuff as Iwaizumi stood as well, “You are going to go to America and do your damn best because I want to face you again at your strongest. I am going to Argentina and I’m going to… figure shit out I guess but I’m still going to be the one standing on the top of the podium when we finally square off got it.”

Iwaizumi made a face because honestly not a damn thing Oikawa just said made sense. Oikawa shoved Iwaizumi’s bag at him and tossed his own over his shoulder.

“Now stop looking at transferring and let’s go home.”

————

Oikawa was overwhelmed with everything still going on. 

He legitimately tried to end his life but now he has to walk around and keep living. It felt… well he couldn’t really decide. 

There was no new desire for life. Everything was still a struggle. He constantly felt like he was scraping the bottom of the barrel everyday to find the minimum try. 

Did he still feel that disant dream of being the best? Yeah but it just felt… like not enough.

Cause it really… wasn’t

“What do you want out of life? Like if you wake up every morning what would you look forward to in an ideal world. No limits just don’t say something like being kidnapped by aliens,” His therapist asked with a light teasing tone on that last bit

Oikawa closed his eyes that night thinking about it. What would it be that made him happiest? He wouldn’t really know though until he made it happen. He could think something would make him happy but there is always that chance it doesn’t or it was just a silly dream and once he had the real thing it was bullshit.

As he dozed off he could still feel Iwaizumi’s ever existing presence besides him in the bed. Hand resting gently on his hip in case Oikawa left in the night, Iwaizumi would know. Maybe that's what fueled the dream.

It felt oddly vivid. Oikawa could feel himself curled up on a balcony chair with a cup of tea in his hand. He noticed as he tapped his fingers on the edge there was a tinkle on the cup. A ring. 

The sun was creeping up the sky. Birds were already singing but these were different birds than he was used to. He could have sworn he could smell saltwater in the air. 

His hair a little longer as it tickled the back of his neck. There was an old familiar ach in his knee but he noticed light bruises traveling up that specific leg. He wasn’t familiar with that bruising pattern however. 

He could hear a door slide open behind him and he wanted to turn but couldn’t. There was a hand on the back of his neck massaging a knot he hadn’t even noticed. He could only let out a soft groan as it became undone by the thumb.

“The girls are going to be up soon.”

“Nah they should sleep in. I think the game last night got them a bit wound up which is why they crashed so late,” Oikawa responded

But what game was he talking about and did that voice belong to who he thought?

“Yeah well… it was papa’s last game and all they had every right to be excited over a win like that,” Lips pressed against the top of his head and he felt a old familiar feeling stir

“Ew now I’m old,” Oikawa teased hearing a chuckle behind him

“Well yeah… kinda happens.”

Whoever was behind him took a seat next to him but stupid dream self wouldn’t turn yet. 

“I’m proud of you,” the voice muttered

“I know. You tell me that all the time even if we said we wouldn’t talk about it anymore,” Oikawa set his cup on the edge of the balcony railing

“I’m talking about in general.”   
  
“Yeah but our minds always go back to it don’t we,” Oikawa let his hand drift to meet another giving it a squeeze

The other didn’t answer but Oikawa felt like he was understanding something heavy and dark that was still sitting in the pit of his stomach. Dream self however felt… light… ok

“I’m glad you stayed Tooru. I’m glad you found your reason. Every day I really am,” The hand squeezed again

Oikawa could feel a sassy comment bubble up ready to escape only to be interrupted but running naked feet on the wood flooring behind them. 

“Papa! Dada! We awake!” there was squealing as something heavy landed in his lap 

How something could be so lively after just waking up made zero sense but Oikawa chuckled anyway pushing long dark hair back as it clouded his vision. He could hear another besides him being picked up and set in the lap next to him. Less loud and there seemed to be a yawn coming from it.

Oikawa chuckled turning to be met with a very familiar shade of green 

He woke with a slight gasp surprised to find fresh tears making their way down his cheeks. He could hear someone talking to him carefully clearing away the tears with their thumb. Oikawa took a few more moments to wake up, finally blinking things clear only to look up and see that same shade of green looking back at him.

————

“I don’t think I’ll ever have an answer to your question,” Oikawa started looking out the window of the office tapping his foot slightly, “About what I want out of life.”

“Well good because most of us don’t,” his therapist sitting in her chair legs tucked under her the only thing in her hand is a pen she’s been twirling since the start

Oikawa turned to her annoyed by the fact she gave him such a question if it held no answer. 

“Most of us don’t and it’s ok. It’s ok to live day by day even if it’s just in hope tomorrow is better.”

“So what are you just going to tell me, hope tomorrow is better and if it’s not, oh well try again tomorrow? That seems shitty.”

She snickered slightly but nodded, “Yeah it does I guess but tell me you requested an appointment as soon as you could and the first thing you say is you don’t have an answer. So what did you decide?”

Oikawa twisted his hands slightly as he looked back out the window. He couldn’t stay too long; he had graduation in a few hours. He had a lot of talking to do if he wanted to do all this properly. 

“Everyone always talked about my future being bright. How I was going to do so well. Then I started seeing the other players and I realized… I’ll never be a genius like them… at least maybe not yet. I had threatened to quit once and my coach called me out on how I hadn’t peaked yet but I guess in my brain I had already shut down the topic.”

“You’ve always seemed to look at volleyball as a correlation of your life even outside the court. Doesn’t a game have ups and downs, wins and loses like life?”

Oikawa smiled slightly and nodded, “It does and it’s not uncommon for us to have to change our plans or expect a different future… a new goal.”

He could see her shift slightly in her chair as she waited for his answer. Obviously he had something. He wouldn’t show up empty handed. 

“I’m going to Argentina. I’m going to take citizenship there. Like I originally planned but… I’m not going to force it anymore. Volleyball isn’t what defines me so I don’t need to keep comparing myself to those in the sport in order to feel worthy. I’m still going to beat them but I’m going to beat them as my own genius and with a happiness that doesn’t just come from volleyball. I want to find it on everything. The people I’m with, my family, my home,... my future. I think for so long I had convinced myself I was happy only because of volleyball that when it started crashing around me I lost the fight.”

Oikawa faced his therapist, noting the small smile on her face as she no longer twirled her pen. 

“But there is more to life than that. There is more to my future than just volleyball. I’m going to have bad days and thoughts just like in any volleyball game but there will be a new match to look forward to. A new goal. And when I retire…” Oikawa dipped his head thinking about the dream last night

“Well… like I said, new goal right. A new source of happiness that I will have to create myself.”

————

He graduated. 

He made it. 

After all the hell he had mentally, emotionally, and physically put himself through a small part was finally completed. 

But now here came the tough part

And that was goodbye 

He looked at his room. He packed things he just couldn’t live without… which was more than he needed according to his father and Iwaizumi. They claimed he absolutely did not need his giant alien stuffed animal but he very much argued he did. So it was packed away. 

Somethings he set aside for his parents to send once he was settled. He could only risk taking so much on the plane. Not to mention if something got lost. 

Iwaizumi’s room looked about the same. It hurt that they were finally going their separate ways. Oikawa felt like there was a step missing but he couldn’t complete it yet. 

He needed to heal first

He wanted to heal

He would leave first. Then Iwaizumi was scheduled to leave only a week after him. His parents crying about becoming empty nesters but obviously also freaking out that Oikawa was actually leaving after everything that had happened only recently. 

They tried to get him to stay… just a little longer

But he had to move forward 

Even if it hurt

Even if there were days he wanted to slip to the darkness again

He had to move forward 

He wanted to move forward 

For himself 

For everyone he love

For his future 

For his life

His therapist helped find him someone close to where he was going to be living. Helped transfer and translate all of his notes and prescriptions. 

Someone from the team was meeting him at the airport. He would get settled in and then meet the team and tour the facility the next day. Practice would start next week. 

“Hey. Bed,” Iwaizumi said giving a slight tap on the wall as he entered

“Yes mom,” Oikawa rolled his eyes but gave Iwaizumi a smile

They crawled into their normal positions under the covers. The moon lit their path one last night. Oikawa could see the exhaustion on Iwaizumi's face as he quickly settled to sleep. Oikawa could only stare taking it in one last time. He couldn’t control his hand as it wandered to Iwaizumi's cheek and brushed it slightly before letting it cradle the back of Iwaizumi’s head. 

Tired green now looking up at him slightly. A mumbled what escaped the body besides him. 

How many nights had Iwaizumi held Oikawa tightly as he was suffering? When Iwaizumi was properly right there too dealing with his own battles and the fear of losing his best friend. 

Oikawa moved one arm under Iwaizumi, pulling his head to his chest. Any questions Iwaizumi had were now muffled against Oikawa’s shirt. Oikawa could feel how tense Iwaizumi was in his hold. He mimicked patterns down his spine and gently scratched Iwaizumi’s scalp. 

Oikawa let the faintest ‘thank you for everything’ leave him in a breath. He felt a stifled breath stutter in Iwaizumi’s chest before arms wrapped around his middle tightly. Iwaizumi’s body melted in Oikawa’s hold. 

Just for one last night

———

The airport was tougher than Oikawa anticipated 

They were all there. His teammates. Family. Friends. 

And they all knew

They knew the secret struggle he had carried with for years. He knew they were scared to let him go worried if he left he would fall again. 

But he knew

He would be ok

With time 

There were hugs. And small gifts he stuffed in his carryon or squeezed in his luggage. Promises made that didn’t seem ridiculous anymore. 

First call for his flight rang out. Giving warning goodbye was here. Another round of hugs and quietly brushed away tears before Oikawa stepped up to his final goodbye. 

He wrapped his arms tightly around Iwaizumi’s neck, burying himself slightly into his friend. He could feel the tightness returned around his middle. 

They really had to say goodbye. 

“Call me often Shittykawa.”

“I promise. I promise I’ll still be here for you. I’m not going anywhere,” Oikawa muttered earning a tighter squeeze 

Here meant something different to them now 

It simply meant alive

“You better,” Iwaizumi grumbled 

They pulled back and Oikawa smirked slightly, “And don’t grow much more will you Iwa.”

Iwaizumi’s mouth dropped slightly but before he could bite back a response Oikawa leaned forehead placing his lips carefully on Iwaizumi’s forehead then dropping his mouth to Iwaizumi’s ear. 

“You're the perfect height for forehead kisses and it should stay that way.”

There was no question Iwaizumi was red as Oikawa pulled back. He gave a small wave to everyone with a final goodbye as a second announcement rang out. 

He really had to go

He caught Iwaizumi’s gaze one last time before he turned toward the gate. 

One last time see that green in person 

At least for now

The next time he would see them he would be better. He would be ready. 

He no longer wanted his soul to be desperately calling for someone… anyone

He wanted it free and healed

He wanted to be ready to love and live for himself…

And for a future dream

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> BEFORE YOU ASK
> 
> yes there will be a part 2
> 
> When will it come? Idk I didn’t want to drop a 100k one shot 
> 
> Keep an eye on my Twitter for info as well as my Instagram for early release
> 
> But I didn’t want it to end in a rush with them being thrown together which I was why I opted for a part 2. 
> 
> Follow my Twitter for updates https://mobile.twitter.com/XRider_Official
> 
> Want more writing or early updates of longer works?  
> Instagram https://instagram.com/x.rider.official?r=nametag
> 
> Want to support me a little extra?  
> https://ko-fi.com/xriderofficial


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